Apparently, when there’s nothing note-worthy to report on (like the latest Hollywood fashion or a 2.0 earthquake), the news gravitates towards money-saving tips. These “tips”, more prevalent in today’s Bush-whacked economy, get my vote for most pointless news items in existence. I mean, at least a report on Hollywood fashion gives us some eye candy, and a report on an earthquake that shook a leaf off a tree might be a harbinger to something we’ll really need to know.
These money-saving tips must work for only two people: People who, up until this moment, have never bothered to attempt to save money, but are now looking to do so and people who are too stupid to think of any way to save money by themselves. I’m talking really stupid, as in: “It sure would be nice if we had more spending money,” said Jack as he rolled up the fifty dollar bill, stuck it between his lips and lit it on fire.
Take this article, for example: http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105450/Cut-Your-Spending-by-%24500-Per-Month
Here’s one tip they give: Lower your car insurance payments. Okay, who doesn’t know to do that? That’s like saying, “if you want more food in your refrigerator, take less food out of it”. And, anyway, there are good reasons to not go with the cheapest car insurance company. Other so-obvious-they’re-painful tips include: pay off your credit card, don’t go over on your cell phone’s minutes, stop paying bank fees and put more in your 401K (oh yeah, that’s sure to help with the day-to-day making ends meet problem).
Another gem is here: http://green.yahoo.com/blog/greenpicks/191/saving-gas-isn-t-just-for-tree-huggers-anymore.html
To save gas, this article recommends not driving your car to work. It also mentions not idling your car and not going through the drive-through.
I’d like to, just once, see a “money-saving tips” article in which the tips are not 1) simply restating the title of the article; 2) so obvious that everyone already does them anyways (or at least knows they should) or 3) things that you can’t just do even if you want to (such as moving to a cheaper city).
Following the astute insight such writers have in saving us consumers money, therefore, I humbly submit my list of money-saving tips:
1. Don’t spend your money.
If there’s something you want to buy, like food or clothing, don’t. It’s as simple as that. Multi-millionaires don’t want you to know this secret, but now you do.
2. Try to find an item of equal quality but of lower cost.
Why spend $5,000 on a used car when you can spend $500 on a used car? Why spend $10 on lunch when you can spend $1?
3. Accumulate more money.
Stop volunteering! Demand your employer give you monetary reimbursement for the services you provide for the company. Also, if you have something of value, trade it for cash. Or at least for a receipt you can then use when you itemize your deductions.
4. Stop consuming gas and electricity.
Why drive 20 miles to work when you can walk? Why turn on the lights at night when you can sit in the dark? Unplug your refrigerator and your alarm clock. Use your computer as a paper weight.
5. Only do free things.
Don’t invite people to your house, where they’ll consume your electricity, water, toilet paper and put wear and tear on your furniture and silverware. If a friend invites you to go somewhere, decline. If you get invited to someone’s home, don’t offer to bring anything. Ask them to pick you up.
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2 comments:
I'd like to add a few humble suggestions...
- Forage: there is plenty of freely available food growing in ditches and lawns and parks all over the place, learn how to identify it and go get it, no more grocery shopping (dandelions alone can feed you most of the summer)
- Trade in your gold teeth for something less flashy: that tooth just might be worth a few hundred bucks, why don't you downgrade to lead or something?
- Give your children to somebody else: kids are a massive drain on the ol' budget. give yourself more time and freedom by making them spend as much time as possible with people who aren't you. let 'em sleep over at friends houses, tag along on other people's vacations, anything that keeps them away from you (and don't forget to "forget" to give them spending money)
- Reuse disposable stuff: Don't throw those ziplock bags and plastic grocery bags away, use 'em over and over until they can no longer function for any useful purpose. you'd be surprised what you can reuse, from moist towelettes and cotton swabs to straws
- Go homeless: think of all the money you'd save by just living on the street! No more mortgage!
I was shooting for more general suggestions, whereas you went the specific route. Thanks for your insights.
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