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Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Friday, January 16, 2009
A Letter to My Third Least-Favorite Retailer
Dear Best Buy:
Last year, for the first time in over a decade, I entered your store and made a purchase. I had decided not to shop at Best Buy after disastrous customer service in the past, but my wife insisted that your company would have the best buy on TVs and, well, you did. Through a series of coincidences, I also came in to possession of a $100 Best Buy gift card and a coupon for 40% the purchase of a GPS. This coupon, incidentally, I discovered while geocaching with a friend in Frontenac State Park. There was an entire book of Best Buy GPS coupons, along with a flyer explaining that Best Buy was working with the State Park system to encourage geocaching (and requesting that each individual only take one coupon).
Needless to say, I was exciting. I enjoy geocaching but, lacking a GPS, I either have to go with a friend that does have a GPS or try to locate the caches via print-outs (not terribly successful).
So, in September, I went in to the Eagan Best Buy. Neither of the two employees who I spoke with that day even knew what geocaching was. They were thus unable to answer my questions about the various GPSs. I asked if they could show me how one particular model worked and, after pressing random buttons for five minutes, the employee said: “Well, these are new, so we haven’t been trained on them yet”. I left without buying anything.
I searched online for the models that I felt would work best and then visited the Maple Grove location. The employee who approached me also had no idea what geocaching was. I showed him print-outs of the two GPSs I liked best and told me that the store did not have them in stock. I asked him if another store in the area had one of the GPSs, and he shrugged his shoulders. So I asked him to show me a comparable model. He claimed ignorance and told me to wait for another employee. He went over to that employee (who was busy with other customers) and told him to help me next. After waiting ten minutes, I left the store empty-handed once again.
A few days later, my wife, who decided to buy a GPS for me for Christmas, visited the Mall of America location. They didn’t have the GPSs, either, and they were incapable of suggesting a similar model to my wife, saying that since the GPSs were new, they’d had little training on how to use them.
Two weeks before Christmas, I stopped at the Roseville location. The employee informed me that his store did not have either of the GPSs (which I found at Best Buy’s website) either. He knew how to look up the availability and told me that no store in the region had the GPSs in stock. (I could have ordered the GPSs on-line, but the coupon was only good for in-store purchases.) I asked him if he could suggest a comparable model, but, after playing around with a few GPSs for 15 minutes, declared that he lacked sufficient training. So I spent a half hour looking at the GPSs myself. Finally, I went up to the employee and said: “If you can show me how this GPS works, I will buy it.” He was unable how to show me how to perform even the simplest function. (To me, this is akin to asking a phone salesperson how to make a phone call on a particular phone, and having them say they don’t know how.) So then I said: “Listen, if you can find any employee in this store who knows how to use this GPS, I will buy it right now.” He walked up to a couple of employees and cursorily asked them if they knew how to use GPSs, but they both shook their heads ‘no’ and continued on with their conversations.
Figuring that the Roseville store was unusual in this regard, I returned to the Eagan store. Again, no one knew how the GPS I had selected functioned. The day before Christmas, I stopped at the Apple Valley location, but, again, no employee knew even the most basic workings of a GPS.
On January 1st, the coupon expired. My wife and I visited the Apple Valley Best Buy and used our $100 gift card on various trivial items.
I am completely astonished that I did not purchase a GPS. With my gift card and coupon, a $500 GPS would have only cost me $200 out-of-pocket. I really wanted one. And yet, no employee – at five different locations – was able to competently demonstrate this device.
I hope this letter serves to make you aware of the need to train your employees on the use of the items they sell. Particularly in tougher financial times, customers are not likely to make six trips to five different locations to purchase an item they don’t really need.
As for me, I am considering swearing off Best Buy once again, having been stridently reminded of the poor service I experienced there in the past. If you can offer any help in the area of acquiring a GPS, I’d appreciate it.
Thanks for your time.
Last year, for the first time in over a decade, I entered your store and made a purchase. I had decided not to shop at Best Buy after disastrous customer service in the past, but my wife insisted that your company would have the best buy on TVs and, well, you did. Through a series of coincidences, I also came in to possession of a $100 Best Buy gift card and a coupon for 40% the purchase of a GPS. This coupon, incidentally, I discovered while geocaching with a friend in Frontenac State Park. There was an entire book of Best Buy GPS coupons, along with a flyer explaining that Best Buy was working with the State Park system to encourage geocaching (and requesting that each individual only take one coupon).
Needless to say, I was exciting. I enjoy geocaching but, lacking a GPS, I either have to go with a friend that does have a GPS or try to locate the caches via print-outs (not terribly successful).
So, in September, I went in to the Eagan Best Buy. Neither of the two employees who I spoke with that day even knew what geocaching was. They were thus unable to answer my questions about the various GPSs. I asked if they could show me how one particular model worked and, after pressing random buttons for five minutes, the employee said: “Well, these are new, so we haven’t been trained on them yet”. I left without buying anything.
I searched online for the models that I felt would work best and then visited the Maple Grove location. The employee who approached me also had no idea what geocaching was. I showed him print-outs of the two GPSs I liked best and told me that the store did not have them in stock. I asked him if another store in the area had one of the GPSs, and he shrugged his shoulders. So I asked him to show me a comparable model. He claimed ignorance and told me to wait for another employee. He went over to that employee (who was busy with other customers) and told him to help me next. After waiting ten minutes, I left the store empty-handed once again.
A few days later, my wife, who decided to buy a GPS for me for Christmas, visited the Mall of America location. They didn’t have the GPSs, either, and they were incapable of suggesting a similar model to my wife, saying that since the GPSs were new, they’d had little training on how to use them.
Two weeks before Christmas, I stopped at the Roseville location. The employee informed me that his store did not have either of the GPSs (which I found at Best Buy’s website) either. He knew how to look up the availability and told me that no store in the region had the GPSs in stock. (I could have ordered the GPSs on-line, but the coupon was only good for in-store purchases.) I asked him if he could suggest a comparable model, but, after playing around with a few GPSs for 15 minutes, declared that he lacked sufficient training. So I spent a half hour looking at the GPSs myself. Finally, I went up to the employee and said: “If you can show me how this GPS works, I will buy it.” He was unable how to show me how to perform even the simplest function. (To me, this is akin to asking a phone salesperson how to make a phone call on a particular phone, and having them say they don’t know how.) So then I said: “Listen, if you can find any employee in this store who knows how to use this GPS, I will buy it right now.” He walked up to a couple of employees and cursorily asked them if they knew how to use GPSs, but they both shook their heads ‘no’ and continued on with their conversations.
Figuring that the Roseville store was unusual in this regard, I returned to the Eagan store. Again, no one knew how the GPS I had selected functioned. The day before Christmas, I stopped at the Apple Valley location, but, again, no employee knew even the most basic workings of a GPS.
On January 1st, the coupon expired. My wife and I visited the Apple Valley Best Buy and used our $100 gift card on various trivial items.
I am completely astonished that I did not purchase a GPS. With my gift card and coupon, a $500 GPS would have only cost me $200 out-of-pocket. I really wanted one. And yet, no employee – at five different locations – was able to competently demonstrate this device.
I hope this letter serves to make you aware of the need to train your employees on the use of the items they sell. Particularly in tougher financial times, customers are not likely to make six trips to five different locations to purchase an item they don’t really need.
As for me, I am considering swearing off Best Buy once again, having been stridently reminded of the poor service I experienced there in the past. If you can offer any help in the area of acquiring a GPS, I’d appreciate it.
Thanks for your time.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Good-bye 2008, I hardly knew ye
Well, good-bye 2008.
GOALS:
I’m happy to say I met some of my goals for the year, including: read Tom Sawyer; read Huckleberry Finn; run in a race; continue learning guitar; and finish the first draft of my book. Some goals, I didn’t make at all, such as: learn to yo-yo; brush up on my German; and edit our wedding video. Oh well.
One of the goals I listed for the year was: Create at least one new film. I’m happy to say I made TEN new films in 2008, and with two films from the year still needing to be edited, that number could bump up as high as 12. So, totally kicked ass at that goal.
I also had a goal of writing for a newsletter/magazine. I met this goal in April, when I wrote a short article for Minnesota Atheist Newsletter about an upcoming speaker. But I did even better when I wrote a review of the film WALL-E (see below), an essay on the definition of “atheism” and two on-line articles:one about Christmas and one discussing the Catholic Church’s forgiveness of John Lennon. That Christmas article was also accepted for posting at the Rake and Memoirs of a Godless Heathen. My definition of atheism essay was also published in the PIQUE (a secular humanist newsletter based in New York). I hope to do better with my writing in 2009. Things are looking promising. Century College accepted an essay I wrote to be published in their book “Breathing In” this spring.
8 GREAT DAYS IN 2008:
March 22nd – Attended “American Atheists Convention” in Minneapolis with my friend Ryan. Got to meet Dr. Krauss, bought some awesome books, a fun t-shirt & Ryan introduced me to Baja Sol (a great Mexican fast food place). Also, it was nice to hear some mentally-stimulating talks for once.
May 14th – Jennifer and I celebrated Owen’s birthday with him by taking him to Nickelodeon Universe, Underwater Adventures and the Rainforest Café. A nice break in the middle of the week.
May 18th – Heard Grant Steves speak on cults, then hurried back home for Owen’s birthday party.
August 14th – Owen and I checked out the Twin Cities’ Railroad Train Museum, had lunch at Jimmy Johns, visited the library & hung out at a park we’d never been to…just for the heck of it. Another weekday well spent. Bonus: Owen fell asleep fast and easy that night.
August 25th – Jennifer and I visited Fort Snelling along with her immediate family. Got in for free, there were no crowds and we had a fun time. Afterwards, Jennifer’s parents treated us to dinner for our anniversary.
September 21st – A free day at Valleyfair thanks to my place of employment. The day was made even better spending it with two old friends and one new friend.
December 21st – Jennifer, Owen and I froze our asses off at Murphy’s Landing. A very cultural and appropriate (considering the season) activity. Bundled up under blankets with hot tea and cocoa when we got home.
December 25th – Happy Birthday, baby Jesus! The three of us traded gifts with each other, then drove to Jennifer’s parents’ house for more holiday fun, then off to her Uncle and Aunt’s place where the whole family celebrated. I played Wii, board games, the dice game, ate, drank & made eye contact with my wife everytime someone said something “Catholic”.
ONE LOUSY DAY IN 2008:
Okay, there were many, including my recent two hour+15 minute commute home. But the booby prize has to go to…
March 7th – Yeah, I was happy to be leaving Big Lake, but not happy to wake up the sickest I was all year. I felt like passing out on the table during closing, and especially enjoyed learnin the man buying the house was a curmudgeon, then used what little strength I had to finish packing, then had to go pick up a moving truck (did I mention it was below zero?). I didn’t even have the strength to pull the ramp out of the truck I was so sick. Jennifer’s sister helped, but this meant I had to watch two toddlers. We had less help than we predicted, so it took a long time to load the truck. In the cold darkness, I nervously drove the big truck an hour away, with Jennifer driving behind, calling me to let me know when it was saft to change lanes. Her parents met us at the aparment long after their bedtime, and we unloaded the truck. Finally, at 11:00, I had to drive the truck an hour back to Big Lake. It was so cold, my frozen hands couldn’t locate where to plug in the truck, so I had to set my alarm for every two hours that night. I’d get up, don my coat and boots over my pajamas, then go sit in the truck for 15 minutes while it idled. A bad, bad day.
CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES:
I saw six films at the theater in 2008 (okay, I actually saw seven – but I’m excluding Sweeney Todd as it was from 2007): 2 animated, 2 documentaries, 2 big-budget blockbusters. I’m happy to report they were all well worth the money (particularly The Dark Knight, which my friend Ryan paid for). Allow me to detail…
U2:3D – Holy cow! This documentary didn’t let up. I was actually hoping for it to chill out for a few minutes just so my heart rate would stop. I saw this at the iMax, which undoubtedly helped. Still, sweet footage, first-rate music. A
Horton Hears a Who – For the first time in nearly two years, my son joined my wife and I at the theater. I am pleased to report that he enjoyed himself to remain seated through the entire showing. A good movie based on a great book – way better than the film version of The Grinch. B+
Indiana Jones and the Obnoxiously Long Title – Decent fourth (but woefully delayed) outing in a great series. Better than Temple of Doom, not as good as Raiders or Last Crusade. Probably the worst of the six films I’m listing here, but still, worth a look. B
WALL-E – The best Pixar film ever (and that’s saying something), WALL-E was so fraught with cinematic bliss I didn’t even have time to realize how much it made me think until it was over. Unique among the films I saw at the theater in 2008, WALL-E was promptly added to my list of 50 best motion pictures of all time (Sorry, Rebecca, you’ve dropped off the list, but I still have a place in my heart for you). A+
The Dark Knight – Another outing at the iMax, Dark Knight was the best Batman film ever (though that’s not saying much). I jumped, I gasped, I gripped the armrest, I wondered why in hell they bothered with the two-face storyline. B
Religulous – Bill Maher is so full of himself, I thought I was watching Michael Moore at times. Regardless, Maher humorously made some excellent (and, at times, uncomfortable) points, culminating in his 10 minute Armageddon-back-dropped tirade against religion. Though I suspect he’s just preaching to the choir (pun intended), any movie that exposes religion as the pernicious fairy-tale that it is is alright in my book. B+
Of course, not every movie I saw this year was at the theater. The best film we rented was United 93, which, I think, is not only the first time I viewed a drama based on a historical event that happened in my lifetime (I’m just a tad too young for All the President’s Men to fit that bill), but also blurred the line between fiction and non-fiction. I had to make room for this amazing film on my top 50 list (Sorry, Mary Poppins, guess you’re not practically perfect in every way).
The worst film I saw this year was Umberto D, which is one of those films that film snobs watch so they can maintain their snobbiness. It was long, depressing and pointless. Oh – I guess I should mention Casper: A Spirited Beginning, which was so god-awful (pun intended) that my wife and I couldn’t even finish it.
LANGUAGE:
2008’s word of the year: GEOCACHING.
GOALS:
I’m happy to say I met some of my goals for the year, including: read Tom Sawyer; read Huckleberry Finn; run in a race; continue learning guitar; and finish the first draft of my book. Some goals, I didn’t make at all, such as: learn to yo-yo; brush up on my German; and edit our wedding video. Oh well.
One of the goals I listed for the year was: Create at least one new film. I’m happy to say I made TEN new films in 2008, and with two films from the year still needing to be edited, that number could bump up as high as 12. So, totally kicked ass at that goal.
I also had a goal of writing for a newsletter/magazine. I met this goal in April, when I wrote a short article for Minnesota Atheist Newsletter about an upcoming speaker. But I did even better when I wrote a review of the film WALL-E (see below), an essay on the definition of “atheism” and two on-line articles:one about Christmas and one discussing the Catholic Church’s forgiveness of John Lennon. That Christmas article was also accepted for posting at the Rake and Memoirs of a Godless Heathen. My definition of atheism essay was also published in the PIQUE (a secular humanist newsletter based in New York). I hope to do better with my writing in 2009. Things are looking promising. Century College accepted an essay I wrote to be published in their book “Breathing In” this spring.
8 GREAT DAYS IN 2008:
March 22nd – Attended “American Atheists Convention” in Minneapolis with my friend Ryan. Got to meet Dr. Krauss, bought some awesome books, a fun t-shirt & Ryan introduced me to Baja Sol (a great Mexican fast food place). Also, it was nice to hear some mentally-stimulating talks for once.
May 14th – Jennifer and I celebrated Owen’s birthday with him by taking him to Nickelodeon Universe, Underwater Adventures and the Rainforest Café. A nice break in the middle of the week.
May 18th – Heard Grant Steves speak on cults, then hurried back home for Owen’s birthday party.
August 14th – Owen and I checked out the Twin Cities’ Railroad Train Museum, had lunch at Jimmy Johns, visited the library & hung out at a park we’d never been to…just for the heck of it. Another weekday well spent. Bonus: Owen fell asleep fast and easy that night.
August 25th – Jennifer and I visited Fort Snelling along with her immediate family. Got in for free, there were no crowds and we had a fun time. Afterwards, Jennifer’s parents treated us to dinner for our anniversary.
September 21st – A free day at Valleyfair thanks to my place of employment. The day was made even better spending it with two old friends and one new friend.
December 21st – Jennifer, Owen and I froze our asses off at Murphy’s Landing. A very cultural and appropriate (considering the season) activity. Bundled up under blankets with hot tea and cocoa when we got home.
December 25th – Happy Birthday, baby Jesus! The three of us traded gifts with each other, then drove to Jennifer’s parents’ house for more holiday fun, then off to her Uncle and Aunt’s place where the whole family celebrated. I played Wii, board games, the dice game, ate, drank & made eye contact with my wife everytime someone said something “Catholic”.
ONE LOUSY DAY IN 2008:
Okay, there were many, including my recent two hour+15 minute commute home. But the booby prize has to go to…
March 7th – Yeah, I was happy to be leaving Big Lake, but not happy to wake up the sickest I was all year. I felt like passing out on the table during closing, and especially enjoyed learnin the man buying the house was a curmudgeon, then used what little strength I had to finish packing, then had to go pick up a moving truck (did I mention it was below zero?). I didn’t even have the strength to pull the ramp out of the truck I was so sick. Jennifer’s sister helped, but this meant I had to watch two toddlers. We had less help than we predicted, so it took a long time to load the truck. In the cold darkness, I nervously drove the big truck an hour away, with Jennifer driving behind, calling me to let me know when it was saft to change lanes. Her parents met us at the aparment long after their bedtime, and we unloaded the truck. Finally, at 11:00, I had to drive the truck an hour back to Big Lake. It was so cold, my frozen hands couldn’t locate where to plug in the truck, so I had to set my alarm for every two hours that night. I’d get up, don my coat and boots over my pajamas, then go sit in the truck for 15 minutes while it idled. A bad, bad day.
CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES:
I saw six films at the theater in 2008 (okay, I actually saw seven – but I’m excluding Sweeney Todd as it was from 2007): 2 animated, 2 documentaries, 2 big-budget blockbusters. I’m happy to report they were all well worth the money (particularly The Dark Knight, which my friend Ryan paid for). Allow me to detail…
U2:3D – Holy cow! This documentary didn’t let up. I was actually hoping for it to chill out for a few minutes just so my heart rate would stop. I saw this at the iMax, which undoubtedly helped. Still, sweet footage, first-rate music. A
Horton Hears a Who – For the first time in nearly two years, my son joined my wife and I at the theater. I am pleased to report that he enjoyed himself to remain seated through the entire showing. A good movie based on a great book – way better than the film version of The Grinch. B+
Indiana Jones and the Obnoxiously Long Title – Decent fourth (but woefully delayed) outing in a great series. Better than Temple of Doom, not as good as Raiders or Last Crusade. Probably the worst of the six films I’m listing here, but still, worth a look. B
WALL-E – The best Pixar film ever (and that’s saying something), WALL-E was so fraught with cinematic bliss I didn’t even have time to realize how much it made me think until it was over. Unique among the films I saw at the theater in 2008, WALL-E was promptly added to my list of 50 best motion pictures of all time (Sorry, Rebecca, you’ve dropped off the list, but I still have a place in my heart for you). A+
The Dark Knight – Another outing at the iMax, Dark Knight was the best Batman film ever (though that’s not saying much). I jumped, I gasped, I gripped the armrest, I wondered why in hell they bothered with the two-face storyline. B
Religulous – Bill Maher is so full of himself, I thought I was watching Michael Moore at times. Regardless, Maher humorously made some excellent (and, at times, uncomfortable) points, culminating in his 10 minute Armageddon-back-dropped tirade against religion. Though I suspect he’s just preaching to the choir (pun intended), any movie that exposes religion as the pernicious fairy-tale that it is is alright in my book. B+
Of course, not every movie I saw this year was at the theater. The best film we rented was United 93, which, I think, is not only the first time I viewed a drama based on a historical event that happened in my lifetime (I’m just a tad too young for All the President’s Men to fit that bill), but also blurred the line between fiction and non-fiction. I had to make room for this amazing film on my top 50 list (Sorry, Mary Poppins, guess you’re not practically perfect in every way).
The worst film I saw this year was Umberto D, which is one of those films that film snobs watch so they can maintain their snobbiness. It was long, depressing and pointless. Oh – I guess I should mention Casper: A Spirited Beginning, which was so god-awful (pun intended) that my wife and I couldn’t even finish it.
LANGUAGE:
2008’s word of the year: GEOCACHING.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Another Half Read
Almost always, if I read past, say, page 10, I finish a book. After reading the reviews of the book, the back cover (yes, I do judge books by their covers), and scanning the Table of Contents, I plunge into books full well expecting to finish them. Even if the book is sub-expectations, I like to finish it (just as I endeavor to finish all movies I start) if for no other reason than to put it on my list of books I’ve read and to have the freedom to dismantle its lousy content.
It is with great regret, therefore, that I must report that I did not – and will not – finish reading “Star Wars on Trial”. I mean, it sounded promising: an entire book featuring a mock courtroom drama in which prosecution and defense deconstruct the merits, morals and meaning of some of the greatest (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back) and worst (Phantom Menace) films of all time.
Why not finish?
For starters, there were two introductions. I always read the introductions, for reasons stated above (see par. 1), but let’s be honest: no one wants to read the introduction. It’s like the instruction manual for a video game: just a necessary how-to that everyone wants to skip. So having two was, well, a terrible kick-off. As were the opening statements (essentially a phase-two of an introduction) that lasted until page EIGHTY-ONE!
I also assumed, judging from the fact that a mock courtroom is displayed on the book’s cover (and the fact that the judge is named “Droid Judge”), that the text would read like we were in a courtroom. But the book’s authors constantly referenced the book itself. For example, when one lawyer asked for a moment to respond to an allegation, the judge said, “Try to limit yourself to half a page”. This line would have been way better had it been “Try to limit yourself to one minute”, thereby maintaining the illusion of being in a courtroom.
Worse, the authors began by saying anything in the six films were fair game, but then constantly referenced books, comics and other Star Wars paraphernalia that lost me, and served as a constant reminder that we were not in the Star Wars Universe but were, instead, reading a book about some stuff George Lucas makes money off of. One author seemed to think it was worthy of note that he had authored to novel version of Revenge of the Sith – so much so that he cited his “credential” three times. He also claimed to have insider information from Lucas himself that verified his claims, but simultaneously (and frustratingly) claimed to be unable to divulge this special information. Sounds a lot like religion to me: “Star Wars is the best film ever made, and I know because God told me, but I can’t tell you how God told me…”
But the straw that broke this tauntaun’s back was this: twice in the first 70 pages, the authors took the opportunity to cite as evidence of Star Wars’ importance, the fact that the reader was reading the book! Sorry, that doesn’t hold up. Any book can say “My thesis is very important, and I cite as proof the fact that you bothered to read this sentence” But that’s wasn’t enough, evidently. Realizing that not everyone who is reading the book has purchased the book, the author’s twice stepped aside from the arguments to downgrade persons who were reading the book but had not purchased it. On page 77 they said: “YOU! Yeah, YOU! Don’t just sit there sipping that latte! BUY this book, you cheap bastard-!”
Okay, this is just unacceptable. I did not steal the book, I checked it out of the library. The authors were under no compulsion to make their work available at the library, but they did. Further, I pay all sorts of taxes – some of which goes to the library…and thus to authors for the sale of their book to the library. Further, I only buy books that I am sure I will either reread, or reference repeatedly for years to come. As such, most books I buy are books that I HAVE ALREADY READ. Yeah, that’s right, far from being a cheap bastard, I am simply a cautious consumer. I bought Animal Farm after having read it five times. And I’ve read it since. And Orwell never harassed me for not buying his book the moment it went on sale at Barnes & Noble.
Bottom line…
The idea of “Star Wars on Trial”…A
Execution of that idea…F
It is with great regret, therefore, that I must report that I did not – and will not – finish reading “Star Wars on Trial”. I mean, it sounded promising: an entire book featuring a mock courtroom drama in which prosecution and defense deconstruct the merits, morals and meaning of some of the greatest (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back) and worst (Phantom Menace) films of all time.
Why not finish?
For starters, there were two introductions. I always read the introductions, for reasons stated above (see par. 1), but let’s be honest: no one wants to read the introduction. It’s like the instruction manual for a video game: just a necessary how-to that everyone wants to skip. So having two was, well, a terrible kick-off. As were the opening statements (essentially a phase-two of an introduction) that lasted until page EIGHTY-ONE!
I also assumed, judging from the fact that a mock courtroom is displayed on the book’s cover (and the fact that the judge is named “Droid Judge”), that the text would read like we were in a courtroom. But the book’s authors constantly referenced the book itself. For example, when one lawyer asked for a moment to respond to an allegation, the judge said, “Try to limit yourself to half a page”. This line would have been way better had it been “Try to limit yourself to one minute”, thereby maintaining the illusion of being in a courtroom.
Worse, the authors began by saying anything in the six films were fair game, but then constantly referenced books, comics and other Star Wars paraphernalia that lost me, and served as a constant reminder that we were not in the Star Wars Universe but were, instead, reading a book about some stuff George Lucas makes money off of. One author seemed to think it was worthy of note that he had authored to novel version of Revenge of the Sith – so much so that he cited his “credential” three times. He also claimed to have insider information from Lucas himself that verified his claims, but simultaneously (and frustratingly) claimed to be unable to divulge this special information. Sounds a lot like religion to me: “Star Wars is the best film ever made, and I know because God told me, but I can’t tell you how God told me…”
But the straw that broke this tauntaun’s back was this: twice in the first 70 pages, the authors took the opportunity to cite as evidence of Star Wars’ importance, the fact that the reader was reading the book! Sorry, that doesn’t hold up. Any book can say “My thesis is very important, and I cite as proof the fact that you bothered to read this sentence” But that’s wasn’t enough, evidently. Realizing that not everyone who is reading the book has purchased the book, the author’s twice stepped aside from the arguments to downgrade persons who were reading the book but had not purchased it. On page 77 they said: “YOU! Yeah, YOU! Don’t just sit there sipping that latte! BUY this book, you cheap bastard-!”
Okay, this is just unacceptable. I did not steal the book, I checked it out of the library. The authors were under no compulsion to make their work available at the library, but they did. Further, I pay all sorts of taxes – some of which goes to the library…and thus to authors for the sale of their book to the library. Further, I only buy books that I am sure I will either reread, or reference repeatedly for years to come. As such, most books I buy are books that I HAVE ALREADY READ. Yeah, that’s right, far from being a cheap bastard, I am simply a cautious consumer. I bought Animal Farm after having read it five times. And I’ve read it since. And Orwell never harassed me for not buying his book the moment it went on sale at Barnes & Noble.
Bottom line…
The idea of “Star Wars on Trial”…A
Execution of that idea…F
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Coming to Terms
In October, I read an article (can’t find the link) that said being a President is a dangerous job; after all, one in four Presidents die while in office. I even parroted this statistic to others a few times. Later, I did some research, and, well this isn’t exactly true. And even if it was, it skews the intent of the message somewhat.
Let me explain…
First of all, eight men have died while serving as President. As of this writing, there have been 43 Presidents (I’m including Cleveland twice, because that’s the law). If you do a little math, you’ll see that’s not 1 in 4. It’s not even 1 in 5. It’s 1 in 5.375. But wait! Maybe the writer of that article meant to say that 1 in 4 Presidents didn’t finish the job. There’s a subtle difference here, but by phrasing it this way, we can also include Nixon, who didn’t finish the job he was elected to do…but certainly lived to tell about it (he lived for 19 more years). And then there’s Bush Jr. Perhaps we shouldn’t count him at all, because he hasn’t finished the job…yet. So, if exclude W as a President, and include Nixon as someone who didn’t finish the job, this means 9 out of 42 Presidents didn’t succeed in seeing out the end of their term. This still isn’t 1 in 4, but it’s a hell of a lot closer: It’s 1 in 4.666666666666666666666666666666.
But I still have some problems with this. First of all, is it really fair to say 9 out of 42 presidents failed to finish their term when some of those people only became president because their predecessor died or resigned? I mean, Ford only became president because Nixon resigned. If Nixon hadn’t quit, there wouldn’t have been a President Ford. So maybe we should exclude from our list VPs who rose to the office of Presidency upon the death or resignation of their President. But then I think we should add back in Teddy Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, Harry Truman and LBJ because, even though they initially rose to president due to death, they still did get elected in their own right later. So if we exclude the 5 people who only finished out a term that was not theirs, we find that 9 out of 37 Presidents did not make it to the end of their term. This, my friends, is very close to 1 in 4.
But wait! The whole premise is flawed here.
I mean, sure, it’s fair to say JFK didn’t finish the job the country asked him to do, but can we say the same about FDR? The man was elected to the Presidency four times, and he did manage to live through three of them. For my money, a guy who lives out three terms is more successful than someone like, say, Carter, who was only elected once.
So, instead of looking at how many men survived their presidency, I propose we look at terms. That is, when the populous/electoral college/congress/Supreme Court asks a person to become president (whether for the first, second, third or fourth time), do they manage to stay in office for those four years*?
Since 1789, there have been 55 presidential terms**. During that time, 37 different men have been elected to the position. The question is: how many of those terms were completed successfully? Or, put differently, how many of those terms were completed by the same man who started them?
Let’s find out by utilizing the greatest tool known to humankind: the list.
[BIG SURPRISE: THIS SHITTY BLOG PROGRAM DOESN'T ALLOW FORMATTED LISTS. OH WELL.]
As you can deduce, the answer is that 45 of the 54 completed terms have been successfully carried out by the person selected to do the job.
Now for some trivia: There have never been back-to-back unsuccessful terms.
The closest the nation ever came to this was in the 1840s. The 14th term was not successful (William Harrison died in office). Neither was the 16th (Zachary Taylor died in office). Kudos to James Polk for staying alive during the entire 15th term.
When was the longest streak of successful terms? The answer, by a comfortable margin, is: right at the beginning. The first 13 terms were successfully completed by the first 8 men elected to them. The second-longest streak is currently happening: the last seven terms have been successful. And, unless the rapture occurs in the next 60 days, Bush Jr. will bring that total up to eight.
*Any list of President’s requires, by law, at least two footnotes. So here’s the first one: Washington’s and Roosevelt’s first terms were both shortened slightly due to altering the date of subsequent inaugurations. Therefore, these two terms were not a full four years. I’m still counting them as successful, though.
**And here’s the second one.
Let me explain…
First of all, eight men have died while serving as President. As of this writing, there have been 43 Presidents (I’m including Cleveland twice, because that’s the law). If you do a little math, you’ll see that’s not 1 in 4. It’s not even 1 in 5. It’s 1 in 5.375. But wait! Maybe the writer of that article meant to say that 1 in 4 Presidents didn’t finish the job. There’s a subtle difference here, but by phrasing it this way, we can also include Nixon, who didn’t finish the job he was elected to do…but certainly lived to tell about it (he lived for 19 more years). And then there’s Bush Jr. Perhaps we shouldn’t count him at all, because he hasn’t finished the job…yet. So, if exclude W as a President, and include Nixon as someone who didn’t finish the job, this means 9 out of 42 Presidents didn’t succeed in seeing out the end of their term. This still isn’t 1 in 4, but it’s a hell of a lot closer: It’s 1 in 4.666666666666666666666666666666.
But I still have some problems with this. First of all, is it really fair to say 9 out of 42 presidents failed to finish their term when some of those people only became president because their predecessor died or resigned? I mean, Ford only became president because Nixon resigned. If Nixon hadn’t quit, there wouldn’t have been a President Ford. So maybe we should exclude from our list VPs who rose to the office of Presidency upon the death or resignation of their President. But then I think we should add back in Teddy Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, Harry Truman and LBJ because, even though they initially rose to president due to death, they still did get elected in their own right later. So if we exclude the 5 people who only finished out a term that was not theirs, we find that 9 out of 37 Presidents did not make it to the end of their term. This, my friends, is very close to 1 in 4.
But wait! The whole premise is flawed here.
I mean, sure, it’s fair to say JFK didn’t finish the job the country asked him to do, but can we say the same about FDR? The man was elected to the Presidency four times, and he did manage to live through three of them. For my money, a guy who lives out three terms is more successful than someone like, say, Carter, who was only elected once.
So, instead of looking at how many men survived their presidency, I propose we look at terms. That is, when the populous/electoral college/congress/Supreme Court asks a person to become president (whether for the first, second, third or fourth time), do they manage to stay in office for those four years*?
Since 1789, there have been 55 presidential terms**. During that time, 37 different men have been elected to the position. The question is: how many of those terms were completed successfully? Or, put differently, how many of those terms were completed by the same man who started them?
Let’s find out by utilizing the greatest tool known to humankind: the list.
[BIG SURPRISE: THIS SHITTY BLOG PROGRAM DOESN'T ALLOW FORMATTED LISTS. OH WELL.]
As you can deduce, the answer is that 45 of the 54 completed terms have been successfully carried out by the person selected to do the job.
Now for some trivia: There have never been back-to-back unsuccessful terms.
The closest the nation ever came to this was in the 1840s. The 14th term was not successful (William Harrison died in office). Neither was the 16th (Zachary Taylor died in office). Kudos to James Polk for staying alive during the entire 15th term.
When was the longest streak of successful terms? The answer, by a comfortable margin, is: right at the beginning. The first 13 terms were successfully completed by the first 8 men elected to them. The second-longest streak is currently happening: the last seven terms have been successful. And, unless the rapture occurs in the next 60 days, Bush Jr. will bring that total up to eight.
*Any list of President’s requires, by law, at least two footnotes. So here’s the first one: Washington’s and Roosevelt’s first terms were both shortened slightly due to altering the date of subsequent inaugurations. Therefore, these two terms were not a full four years. I’m still counting them as successful, though.
**And here’s the second one.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Letter to the CEO
Here is an email I sent to the CEO of my company two days after the election:
Dear XXXXXXX:
Thank you for the email sent out on Monday, reminding us of the importance of the election and urging us all to participate in the democratic process. In view of that email, I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you how things went in my department.
I was assigned several training samples to run through a method on Election Day. Due to the nature of the testing, I could not delay running the samples, nor could I split the work between two days. So, I awoke before 4:00 in the morning and got to work immediately upon arriving. I worked straight through without any breaks or lunch time. I realized the polls were open until 8:00 in my state, but I feared the lines would be long or that some other issue would arise at the poll.
But at least I was able to vote. A co-worker began testing over 100 samples that day (about double the normal number). These samples needed to be pulled for testing two, four and twelve hours after their initial drop into shakers. As you can imagine, this made for a very long day for my co-worker. He arrived at work shortly after I did and was still on the clock after 11:00 PM. He was never given the opportunity to vote.
Other co-workers arrived late or left early (cutting into their workdays and wages) in an effort to find the best time to vote. Still others did not participate in their usual carpooling (increasing their gas expenditures) so as to be freed up to visit the polls at an opportune time.
As this is a company that encourages us all to take the opportunity to vote, I think the above examples (all from one department) are inexcusable. No one should have to choose between wages or voting and no one should be so overtaxed with their workload on Election Day that they are unable to leave long enough to go vote.
One of my favorite benefits working at XXXXX is the time off for holidays, which is generous in comparison to other local corporations. Each year, we are granted eleven days of paid time off to celebrate certain days as we see fit. I propose that, in election years, one of these eleven days be assigned to Election Day. In this year, for example, we were given paid time off for Presidents' Day - a day most employees would probably not mind working. Again, I'm not implying that I did not appreciate having that day off, but given the choice, I would have opted to have Election Day off instead.
If assigning Election Day off is impractical, I recommend offering employees a Floating Holiday so that those who feel the need can use this on Election Day.
I know you are busy and I thank you for taking the time to read this. It is a pleasure to work here at XXXXXXXXX.
(No reply received as of 19Nov08.)
Dear XXXXXXX:
Thank you for the email sent out on Monday, reminding us of the importance of the election and urging us all to participate in the democratic process. In view of that email, I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you how things went in my department.
I was assigned several training samples to run through a method on Election Day. Due to the nature of the testing, I could not delay running the samples, nor could I split the work between two days. So, I awoke before 4:00 in the morning and got to work immediately upon arriving. I worked straight through without any breaks or lunch time. I realized the polls were open until 8:00 in my state, but I feared the lines would be long or that some other issue would arise at the poll.
But at least I was able to vote. A co-worker began testing over 100 samples that day (about double the normal number). These samples needed to be pulled for testing two, four and twelve hours after their initial drop into shakers. As you can imagine, this made for a very long day for my co-worker. He arrived at work shortly after I did and was still on the clock after 11:00 PM. He was never given the opportunity to vote.
Other co-workers arrived late or left early (cutting into their workdays and wages) in an effort to find the best time to vote. Still others did not participate in their usual carpooling (increasing their gas expenditures) so as to be freed up to visit the polls at an opportune time.
As this is a company that encourages us all to take the opportunity to vote, I think the above examples (all from one department) are inexcusable. No one should have to choose between wages or voting and no one should be so overtaxed with their workload on Election Day that they are unable to leave long enough to go vote.
One of my favorite benefits working at XXXXX is the time off for holidays, which is generous in comparison to other local corporations. Each year, we are granted eleven days of paid time off to celebrate certain days as we see fit. I propose that, in election years, one of these eleven days be assigned to Election Day. In this year, for example, we were given paid time off for Presidents' Day - a day most employees would probably not mind working. Again, I'm not implying that I did not appreciate having that day off, but given the choice, I would have opted to have Election Day off instead.
If assigning Election Day off is impractical, I recommend offering employees a Floating Holiday so that those who feel the need can use this on Election Day.
I know you are busy and I thank you for taking the time to read this. It is a pleasure to work here at XXXXXXXXX.
(No reply received as of 19Nov08.)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A Good Question - Part Two
The other religion-centered question that was posed to me was this:
What kind of negative influence did the religion have on you?
This question, asked by a relative, was not asked in the spirit of sincere inquiry, but as a challenge. The reason for the challenge was because of something stupid I said. See, I was first asked why I would decide to leave the religion and, further, make my findings available on the web. My answer was two-fold: I left the religion because it is not true and because it has had a largely negative influence on my immediate family.
I’m not sure why I allowed my answer to ramble. The first part (because it’s not true) certainly would have sufficed. For example, if someone says: “Why don’t you believe the Earth is flat?”, a full, complete answer would be: “Because it’s not true”. You shouldn’t have to supplement it with “And because believing it’s flat is bad for my health.”
Nevertheless, that’s what I said, and that’s what my family member decided to jump on. I was soon reminded, however, that it’s impossible to ever point out to a Witness that their religion has a pernicious effect upon its members. This is because all evidence provided is dismissed into one of two categories: 1) You can’t blame the actions of some elders/pioneers/Bethelites on the religion as a whole. And 2) Your claim isn’t that bad.
Let me explain this with examples.
First, when I argued that one member of my family was subjected to child abuse at the hands of her (elder) father, my relative said: “Oh come on, you can’t point out what he did to his children and say that that’s a problem with the religion. He was acting out of line with what the religion teaches.” But this is a total cop-out. Matthew 7:16 declares “By their fruits you will know them”, and Jesus claimed that the identifying mark of his true disciples would be that they have love among themselves. Additionally, Witnesses love pointing out how united they are, so even if I was to grant that some elders have acted out of line with the official doctrine, this only serves as evidence that they are not united.
It’s funny, really, because as I ran down a litany of offenses elders have committed against my family, the person with whom I was talking knocked them all down as exceptions, aberrations, to the religion at large. Again: cop out! If I could list off a dozen elders that pushed their own opinion, abused their kids, empowered pedophiles, were over-eager to disfellowship, pushed their own opinions or caused members of my family to leave the meeting crying…then who’s to say those are the only twelve elders like that in the whole world?
My brother-in-law once compared the religion to a job, and I think his description was apt. Allow me to use it here: if your supervisor molested your kids, would you continue to work for him? And if you quit, would you keep silent about it?
Second, other arguments I threw up were swatted down as “not that bad”. It’s hard to qualify this. Especially in the mindset of a Witness, there is almost nothing a person could endure as a Witness that qualifies as “that bad”. For instance, many Witnesses died in Nazi-sponsored concentration camps. To a Witness, this is well worth it, as such people are practically guaranteed a place in paradise (sorry, no virgins in this paradise – quite the opposite, some Witnesses think that resurrected folks will be prohibited from sex). So, when I complained of being an outcast in school, not celebrating my birthday, wasting time in a pointless volunteer work and subjecting myself to the whims of elders, Witnesses just chalk this up to the kind of life we must endure in this wicked world. They argue that not celebrating a birthday isn’t that big of a deal (and maybe it’s not) and, further, that by not celebrating one’s birthday, a person is helping cement their relationship with Jehovah. And while most Witnesses would sympathize with being an outcast at school or work, they would say that such things are persecution orchestrated by the devil & that God will reward us appropriately in due time.
At any rate, I ended this portion of the conversation by stating that the negative influences were not what caused me to leave. It was, plain and simple, the fact that the religion is not true.
In a future post, perhaps, I will cite specific cases of how the religion was detrimental to my life.
What kind of negative influence did the religion have on you?
This question, asked by a relative, was not asked in the spirit of sincere inquiry, but as a challenge. The reason for the challenge was because of something stupid I said. See, I was first asked why I would decide to leave the religion and, further, make my findings available on the web. My answer was two-fold: I left the religion because it is not true and because it has had a largely negative influence on my immediate family.
I’m not sure why I allowed my answer to ramble. The first part (because it’s not true) certainly would have sufficed. For example, if someone says: “Why don’t you believe the Earth is flat?”, a full, complete answer would be: “Because it’s not true”. You shouldn’t have to supplement it with “And because believing it’s flat is bad for my health.”
Nevertheless, that’s what I said, and that’s what my family member decided to jump on. I was soon reminded, however, that it’s impossible to ever point out to a Witness that their religion has a pernicious effect upon its members. This is because all evidence provided is dismissed into one of two categories: 1) You can’t blame the actions of some elders/pioneers/Bethelites on the religion as a whole. And 2) Your claim isn’t that bad.
Let me explain this with examples.
First, when I argued that one member of my family was subjected to child abuse at the hands of her (elder) father, my relative said: “Oh come on, you can’t point out what he did to his children and say that that’s a problem with the religion. He was acting out of line with what the religion teaches.” But this is a total cop-out. Matthew 7:16 declares “By their fruits you will know them”, and Jesus claimed that the identifying mark of his true disciples would be that they have love among themselves. Additionally, Witnesses love pointing out how united they are, so even if I was to grant that some elders have acted out of line with the official doctrine, this only serves as evidence that they are not united.
It’s funny, really, because as I ran down a litany of offenses elders have committed against my family, the person with whom I was talking knocked them all down as exceptions, aberrations, to the religion at large. Again: cop out! If I could list off a dozen elders that pushed their own opinion, abused their kids, empowered pedophiles, were over-eager to disfellowship, pushed their own opinions or caused members of my family to leave the meeting crying…then who’s to say those are the only twelve elders like that in the whole world?
My brother-in-law once compared the religion to a job, and I think his description was apt. Allow me to use it here: if your supervisor molested your kids, would you continue to work for him? And if you quit, would you keep silent about it?
Second, other arguments I threw up were swatted down as “not that bad”. It’s hard to qualify this. Especially in the mindset of a Witness, there is almost nothing a person could endure as a Witness that qualifies as “that bad”. For instance, many Witnesses died in Nazi-sponsored concentration camps. To a Witness, this is well worth it, as such people are practically guaranteed a place in paradise (sorry, no virgins in this paradise – quite the opposite, some Witnesses think that resurrected folks will be prohibited from sex). So, when I complained of being an outcast in school, not celebrating my birthday, wasting time in a pointless volunteer work and subjecting myself to the whims of elders, Witnesses just chalk this up to the kind of life we must endure in this wicked world. They argue that not celebrating a birthday isn’t that big of a deal (and maybe it’s not) and, further, that by not celebrating one’s birthday, a person is helping cement their relationship with Jehovah. And while most Witnesses would sympathize with being an outcast at school or work, they would say that such things are persecution orchestrated by the devil & that God will reward us appropriately in due time.
At any rate, I ended this portion of the conversation by stating that the negative influences were not what caused me to leave. It was, plain and simple, the fact that the religion is not true.
In a future post, perhaps, I will cite specific cases of how the religion was detrimental to my life.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Ten Busy Days
All day, I keep having this feeling like I'm forgetting a project or two, and that might be because I have A LOT to do in the next ten days. Allow me to delineate everything & then I'll get back here 10 days hence and see how I fared.
Today (31Oct) - Work. Trick'r'Treating with Owen at the Mall, then coming home to pass out candy to the locals.
01Nov - 11:45 appointment to get my haircut at my sister's salon. I gotta remember to bring my laptop so she can update her iPod. In the afternoon, I need to call into a conference call so I can hear all the rules and requirements of Video the Vote, which I signed up for. Also, I have to smack the pack of yeast so that I can brew beer on Sunday. Set the clock back before hitting the pillow.
02Nov - Friends coming over for dinner and to watch me brew beer. I'd also like to video-tape some of this for a how-to filmlet.
03Nov - Work. Going to a meeting for Video the Vote for one last training session.
04Nov - Work. Want to leave right at 3:00 to get home in time to stand in line & vote. Bringing my camera. Need to be on hand to film any voting problems that arise in my area between then and 7:00.
05Nov - Work. Leaving early to go to a routing physical to make sure I'm not filled with the drugs I work on at work. Going straight from there to guitar lessons.
06Nov - Work. Hosting Atheists Talk TV Show in the evening.
07Nov - Work. During lunch break, meeting via phone with a woman from the foundation that is offering writing grants (with the hope that this will help score me the grant). Running in a 6K race sponsored by my employer.
08Nov - Lunch with grandparents.
09Nov - The beer might be ready to bottle. Also, the grant proposal is due on the 10th, so I should have it all prepared today & ready to drop off tomorrow.
There! In between all that, I need to find time to finalize the latest issue of MA, work on the grant proposal, monitor the beer and practice guitar. I think some friends might want some assistance with their kitchen floor tiling, too.
I'll write again around the 10th to report back.
Now back to work...
Today (31Oct) - Work. Trick'r'Treating with Owen at the Mall, then coming home to pass out candy to the locals.
01Nov - 11:45 appointment to get my haircut at my sister's salon. I gotta remember to bring my laptop so she can update her iPod. In the afternoon, I need to call into a conference call so I can hear all the rules and requirements of Video the Vote, which I signed up for. Also, I have to smack the pack of yeast so that I can brew beer on Sunday. Set the clock back before hitting the pillow.
02Nov - Friends coming over for dinner and to watch me brew beer. I'd also like to video-tape some of this for a how-to filmlet.
03Nov - Work. Going to a meeting for Video the Vote for one last training session.
04Nov - Work. Want to leave right at 3:00 to get home in time to stand in line & vote. Bringing my camera. Need to be on hand to film any voting problems that arise in my area between then and 7:00.
05Nov - Work. Leaving early to go to a routing physical to make sure I'm not filled with the drugs I work on at work. Going straight from there to guitar lessons.
06Nov - Work. Hosting Atheists Talk TV Show in the evening.
07Nov - Work. During lunch break, meeting via phone with a woman from the foundation that is offering writing grants (with the hope that this will help score me the grant). Running in a 6K race sponsored by my employer.
08Nov - Lunch with grandparents.
09Nov - The beer might be ready to bottle. Also, the grant proposal is due on the 10th, so I should have it all prepared today & ready to drop off tomorrow.
There! In between all that, I need to find time to finalize the latest issue of MA, work on the grant proposal, monitor the beer and practice guitar. I think some friends might want some assistance with their kitchen floor tiling, too.
I'll write again around the 10th to report back.
Now back to work...
Friday, October 24, 2008
A Good Question - Part One
I keep meaning to write something here, because I think both people who read this blog enjoy my extremist views on life. Alas, I have been quite busy with a number of personal pursuits which I’m sure would bore you if I discussed them any further.
In amongst all the things that have kept me busy lately, I have had a couple of very interesting conversations. In one of them, I was talking with an ex-Witness. This ex-Witness, in particular, was in the religion far longer than I. He rose to the position of Elder and even considered himself one of the anointed (i.e., going to heaven when he dies). During the course of our verbal exchange, he asked me:
When you were a Witness, did you ever do anything for which you should have gotten into trouble?
It’s a good question, primarily because many JWs I speak with delight in ‘blaming’ my exit from their religion on the fact that God’s spirit ‘left me’. Of course, this begs the question: Why did God’s spirit leave me? Their answer is usually something like: “You must’ve done something wrong”. So I’m gonna take this opportunity right now to spell out everything I did wrong as a JW and I will leave you, the reader, to decide if any of this warranted a termination of God’s (whoever you feel God is) love.
I first want to point out that I’m listing off absolutely everything here. So, unless I list it off, you can assume I never did it. For instance, I never murdered anyone, so even though that is against JW policy, I was never guilty of that sin. Second, there are really two time frames here: 20th Century James, who believed in the Watchtower Society and the inerrancy of the bible and 21st Century James (2000-2006) who didn’t believe it was true but still did it anyway for reasons that would make this a phenomenally long story (trust me). I will divide my sins appropriately. Third, any JW will admit that all JWs sin all the time; maybe they told a white lie, or they stayed home from the meeting when they shouldn’t have, or they had a ‘bad’ thought about someone else. I’m not gonna list those tiny sins because, well, for one, I don’t remember them all and, two, no JW ever got into trouble for those silly little things, they were just told to pray for forgiveness.
1. I drank to excess.
Between 1995 and 1999, I was over the legal limit (probably) 20 times. I want to point out that I never drank with the intention of getting drunk, it just sort of happened when I was enjoying a particularly strong Long Island Iced Tea. I never fell asleep on the floor or vomited or woke up the next morning unable to go to work, so I was never THAT drunk, but I was tipsy to the point where I shouldn’t have driven. And, don’t worry, I never did drive.
Between 2000 and 2006, I was over the legal limit (probably) 10 times. On one occasion, my wife had to pull the car over so I could puke.
2. I watched rated-R movies.
In the 20th century, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Godfather Trilogy, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Shakespeare in Love and Braveheart. Real trashy stuff. Funny thing, though, most JWs have also seen these movies – they either do so in private (going to great lengths to hide their contraband) or they just watch them on TV where they can still get the benefit of all the violence, but are saved the God-hating images of bare breasts.
In the 21st century, I (like many other JWs) decided the Society’s rating policy was asinine and took to watching whatever the hell I felt like watching (though I still abstained from spiritistic movies and porn).
3. I went too far with my girlfriend.
No, we never hit a homerun in those days, but we did more than what you see in the Young People Ask Book. Now I go too far with her all the time.
4. I didn’t turn people in.
Yeah, that’s right, I wasn’t a tattle-tale. I really couldn’t care less if other JWs got drunk or slept with other people. As long as no one got hurt, I didn’t feel it was my job to run to the elders telling on people. For example, when my sister-in-law and her boyfriend slept in the same bed together one night, my wife got all upset and said we should tell the elders. I didn’t feel like making a big fuss over it. This means I now have a lot of dirt on a lot of people.
5. I held contrary opinions.
From 1975 onwards, I disagreed with their love of neckties. From 1985 onwards, I disagreed with their stance on beards. From 1985 onwards, I disagreed with their belief on dinosaurs and proto-birds. From 1997 onwards, I did not believe Noah’s Flood was global. From 1998 onwards, I knew the Watchtower was wrong about certain dates. From 2000 onwards, I disagreed with their teaching on biblical genealogies and the age of humans.
I also disagreed with individual elders on occasion. For example, when the elders’ decision on a matter caused my favorite Aunt to leave the Kingdom Hall in tears, I felt they were wrong. When the elders told me I was not qualified to perform a wedding ceremony, I knew they were wrong (as this contradicted a Watchtower article I had in my pocket). When some elders discouraged a couple of young men in the congregation from informing the authorities about molestation they experienced at the hands of another JW, I felt they were incorrect. When Mike Lewis suggested to my fiancé and me that we should not have ‘worldly’ music played during our wedding and that we should not have a limo to drive us from our wedding to our reception, I thought he was wrong. In fact, since my grandfather (also an elder), paid for and surprised us with a limo at our wedding, I knew Mike was wrong.
Who wants to cast the first stone?
In amongst all the things that have kept me busy lately, I have had a couple of very interesting conversations. In one of them, I was talking with an ex-Witness. This ex-Witness, in particular, was in the religion far longer than I. He rose to the position of Elder and even considered himself one of the anointed (i.e., going to heaven when he dies). During the course of our verbal exchange, he asked me:
When you were a Witness, did you ever do anything for which you should have gotten into trouble?
It’s a good question, primarily because many JWs I speak with delight in ‘blaming’ my exit from their religion on the fact that God’s spirit ‘left me’. Of course, this begs the question: Why did God’s spirit leave me? Their answer is usually something like: “You must’ve done something wrong”. So I’m gonna take this opportunity right now to spell out everything I did wrong as a JW and I will leave you, the reader, to decide if any of this warranted a termination of God’s (whoever you feel God is) love.
I first want to point out that I’m listing off absolutely everything here. So, unless I list it off, you can assume I never did it. For instance, I never murdered anyone, so even though that is against JW policy, I was never guilty of that sin. Second, there are really two time frames here: 20th Century James, who believed in the Watchtower Society and the inerrancy of the bible and 21st Century James (2000-2006) who didn’t believe it was true but still did it anyway for reasons that would make this a phenomenally long story (trust me). I will divide my sins appropriately. Third, any JW will admit that all JWs sin all the time; maybe they told a white lie, or they stayed home from the meeting when they shouldn’t have, or they had a ‘bad’ thought about someone else. I’m not gonna list those tiny sins because, well, for one, I don’t remember them all and, two, no JW ever got into trouble for those silly little things, they were just told to pray for forgiveness.
1. I drank to excess.
Between 1995 and 1999, I was over the legal limit (probably) 20 times. I want to point out that I never drank with the intention of getting drunk, it just sort of happened when I was enjoying a particularly strong Long Island Iced Tea. I never fell asleep on the floor or vomited or woke up the next morning unable to go to work, so I was never THAT drunk, but I was tipsy to the point where I shouldn’t have driven. And, don’t worry, I never did drive.
Between 2000 and 2006, I was over the legal limit (probably) 10 times. On one occasion, my wife had to pull the car over so I could puke.
2. I watched rated-R movies.
In the 20th century, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Godfather Trilogy, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Shakespeare in Love and Braveheart. Real trashy stuff. Funny thing, though, most JWs have also seen these movies – they either do so in private (going to great lengths to hide their contraband) or they just watch them on TV where they can still get the benefit of all the violence, but are saved the God-hating images of bare breasts.
In the 21st century, I (like many other JWs) decided the Society’s rating policy was asinine and took to watching whatever the hell I felt like watching (though I still abstained from spiritistic movies and porn).
3. I went too far with my girlfriend.
No, we never hit a homerun in those days, but we did more than what you see in the Young People Ask Book. Now I go too far with her all the time.
4. I didn’t turn people in.
Yeah, that’s right, I wasn’t a tattle-tale. I really couldn’t care less if other JWs got drunk or slept with other people. As long as no one got hurt, I didn’t feel it was my job to run to the elders telling on people. For example, when my sister-in-law and her boyfriend slept in the same bed together one night, my wife got all upset and said we should tell the elders. I didn’t feel like making a big fuss over it. This means I now have a lot of dirt on a lot of people.
5. I held contrary opinions.
From 1975 onwards, I disagreed with their love of neckties. From 1985 onwards, I disagreed with their stance on beards. From 1985 onwards, I disagreed with their belief on dinosaurs and proto-birds. From 1997 onwards, I did not believe Noah’s Flood was global. From 1998 onwards, I knew the Watchtower was wrong about certain dates. From 2000 onwards, I disagreed with their teaching on biblical genealogies and the age of humans.
I also disagreed with individual elders on occasion. For example, when the elders’ decision on a matter caused my favorite Aunt to leave the Kingdom Hall in tears, I felt they were wrong. When the elders told me I was not qualified to perform a wedding ceremony, I knew they were wrong (as this contradicted a Watchtower article I had in my pocket). When some elders discouraged a couple of young men in the congregation from informing the authorities about molestation they experienced at the hands of another JW, I felt they were incorrect. When Mike Lewis suggested to my fiancé and me that we should not have ‘worldly’ music played during our wedding and that we should not have a limo to drive us from our wedding to our reception, I thought he was wrong. In fact, since my grandfather (also an elder), paid for and surprised us with a limo at our wedding, I knew Mike was wrong.
Who wants to cast the first stone?
Monday, September 22, 2008
Seeing the Twin Cities...without prying open My Wallet
In the last 6 weeks, I have visited the Twin Cities’ Model Train Museum, the Bakken Museum, a Vikings pre-season game, Fort Snelling State Historical Site, The Minnesota State Fair, The Renaissance Festival and Valley Fair. Owen was with me for four of these adventures, and Jennifer was with me during three of them. You might wonder: How does someone pay for all that stuff? Especially since there’s evidently no money left in the country anymore?
Here’s how:
First off, your friendly neighborhood library offers free passes to local attractions. So, I first picked up a ticket for the Model Train Museum. Admission to this museum is only four bucks, and Owen was free anyways, but, hey, I saved some cash.
Owen and I did the same thing for the Bakken Museum: Owen was free anyways, and I saved myself 7 big ones.
Jennifer and I got into the Vikings football game for free thanks to our soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law who thoughfully gave us tickets he was unable to use.
For Fort Snelling, I again tried the library. They only have a limited number of free passes each week, so there’s no guarantee there will be one when you want one. So I was rather pleased when I went in to the library one Monday morning and found a free pass waiting on the shelf. I took it to the front counter and attempted to check it out…but the clerk informed me I could only have one pass at a time and the Bakken Museum’s pass was still checked out to me.
“But I already went to that museum,” I whined.
“Doesn’t matter,” she said, “You can’t check out another free pass until Wednesday.”
So, I did what any good cheapskate would do, instead of putting the pass back on the shelf, I hid it inside an obscure book on a lower shelf in the back of the library. I returned on Wednesday, walked up to my book, opened to the correct page, and pulled out the pass. The clerk then allowed me to check it out. On August 25th, then, Jennifer, Owen and I got into Fort Snelling for free…a savings of $20.
For the State Fair, I ordered tickets through my place of employment, which offers discounts on major events. Jennifer and I were granted admission for $16 instead of $22.
For the Renaissance Festival, I nabbed tickets for $8 a piece from a co-worker who also works at the Festival. As the normal cost of admission is $19.95, Jennifer and I were able to enter for $16 instead of $39.90.
Finally, my company buys out Valley Fair once every other year for the employees and three of their friends. Since admission is $37.99, and I got in for free, this was the best deal of the bunch.
So here’s what I spent on those six attractions for my own admission and Jennifer’s (when she accompanied me): $32.
And here’s what those same attractions would have cost without discounts: $170.89.
Here’s how:
First off, your friendly neighborhood library offers free passes to local attractions. So, I first picked up a ticket for the Model Train Museum. Admission to this museum is only four bucks, and Owen was free anyways, but, hey, I saved some cash.
Owen and I did the same thing for the Bakken Museum: Owen was free anyways, and I saved myself 7 big ones.
Jennifer and I got into the Vikings football game for free thanks to our soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law who thoughfully gave us tickets he was unable to use.
For Fort Snelling, I again tried the library. They only have a limited number of free passes each week, so there’s no guarantee there will be one when you want one. So I was rather pleased when I went in to the library one Monday morning and found a free pass waiting on the shelf. I took it to the front counter and attempted to check it out…but the clerk informed me I could only have one pass at a time and the Bakken Museum’s pass was still checked out to me.
“But I already went to that museum,” I whined.
“Doesn’t matter,” she said, “You can’t check out another free pass until Wednesday.”
So, I did what any good cheapskate would do, instead of putting the pass back on the shelf, I hid it inside an obscure book on a lower shelf in the back of the library. I returned on Wednesday, walked up to my book, opened to the correct page, and pulled out the pass. The clerk then allowed me to check it out. On August 25th, then, Jennifer, Owen and I got into Fort Snelling for free…a savings of $20.
For the State Fair, I ordered tickets through my place of employment, which offers discounts on major events. Jennifer and I were granted admission for $16 instead of $22.
For the Renaissance Festival, I nabbed tickets for $8 a piece from a co-worker who also works at the Festival. As the normal cost of admission is $19.95, Jennifer and I were able to enter for $16 instead of $39.90.
Finally, my company buys out Valley Fair once every other year for the employees and three of their friends. Since admission is $37.99, and I got in for free, this was the best deal of the bunch.
So here’s what I spent on those six attractions for my own admission and Jennifer’s (when she accompanied me): $32.
And here’s what those same attractions would have cost without discounts: $170.89.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The List of Lists
One day, while completely befuddled by the high number of lists I maintain, a friend of mine asked if I have a list of my lists. I laughed and said that I do not. So, here, for fun, I’m going to correct that. But first, here’s a list of things I’m not including on the list: 1) Phone lists (even though I am the head of the department phone list at my job 2) Work-related items involving projects and/or trade secrets (they’re boring lists anyways) and 3) Temporary lists (such as: Things to buy at the grocery store).
I’ve added a brief explanation for lists with non-obvious titles. Anytime I use the word “we” it should be understood to mean “Jennifer and I”.
1. List of meals the company has paid for
2. List of free things I’ve gotten from the company
3. Wage history
4. Books I have read (this is probably the oldest list here)
5. Number of books I’ve read per year
6. Subjects of the books I’ve read
7. An alphabetical list of the books I’ve read
8. Mistakes I’ve found in books I’ve read (this list is 27 pages long)
9. List of Edgar Allen Poe works
10. List of Sherlock Holmes stories
11. List of books authored by Theodore Geisel
12. Short stories I own
13. The ultimate calendar (a listing of every event in my life for which the exact date is known)
14. Timeline of my life (a list showing when and for how long I lived in certain places, held certain jobs, attended certain schools and how they overlapped)
15. Residences I have lived in
16. Cities I have live in
17. People I have lived with (there are 12 people on this list…)
18. Vacations I have been on
19. US states I have been to
20. Countries I have been to
21. Times I have been on an airplane
22. What we did for our anniversaries
23. Days since we married that we haven’t seen each other
24. Jobs I’ve had
25. Schools I’ve attended
26. Concerts I’ve attended
27. Professional baseball games I’ve attended
28. Plays I’ve attended
29. What we did on our cruise each day
30. Cars we have owned
31. Lego pieces I own
32. Board/card games we own
33. My 50 All-time favorite motion pictures
34. My 20 favorite TV shows
35. My 10 favorite albums
36. My 50 favorite songs
37. My 10 favorite non-fiction books
38. My 10 favorite fiction books
39. Motion pictures I have seen (there are 1,189 movies listed)
40. Number of motion pictures seen from each year
41. Motion pictures I have seen at the theater
42. Read the book…and seen the movie (I pick which I prefer)
43. Billboard #1 albums (1956-present)
44. Billboard #1 songs (1940-present)
45. Things that annoy me
46. Our ten year anniversary trivia quiz
47. Bart Simpson’s chalkboard writings
48. Best songs by people I know
49. Customer service (list of grievances filed with companies and what sort of recompense we received)
50. Deep Thoughts (from the SNL spot)
51. Rolling Stone magazine’s 500 greatest rock songs of all time
52. Non-work money (list of money I have made outside of work, such as at garage sales)
53. Favorite quotes from 1984
54. Favorite quotes
55. Quotes from famous losers
56. Addams Family episodes
57. Battlestar Galactica episodes
58. Little House on the Prairie episodes
59. Northern Exposure episodes
60. Quantum Leap episodes
61. View Master reels I own
62. Mistakes we found watching “Voyager”
63. Wal-mart facts (notes I took while reading “How Wal-mart is Destroying America”)
64. Website traffic (I track the number of new visitors to my website each week)
65. Words to learn
66. Bible verses mentioning dogs
67. Partakers at JW memorial, 1980 – present
68. US religious census statistics
69. Money spent by the Watchtower Society each year on Circuit Overseers, 1980-present
70. JWs publisher increases/decreases, 1930-present
71. JWs versus world population, 1950-present
72. Survey results (I sent out a survey asking ex-JWs if they thought they were going to die at Armageddon)
73. Chemicals in the atmosphere
74. Nations of the world
75. National parks
76. Places I want to visit in Minnesota
77. Vacations I want to go on
78. Word of the year (I pick a new word every year that I had never known about before)
79. Self-created filmlets
80. Other videography projects (weddings, baptisms, etc, that we have filmed)
81. Filmlet commentary
82. Every email address
83. Goals for 2008
84. Passwords
85. Palindromes
86. Autonyms
88. Homophones
89. My book – chapters, pages and words
90. Wonderfalls episodes
91. Arrested Development episodes
92. Freaks and Geeks episode
93. Awful Truth episodes
94. Star Trek: TNG episodes
95. Star Trek: TOS episodes
96. Star Trek: Voyager episodes
97. Firefly episodes
98. Best Picture Oscar winners
99. Best selling motion picture from each year
100. This list
There.
I actually have less lists now than when I was a kid, thanks in part to the internet. For example, I used to have a list of where the Olympics were held each olympiad, but that seems pointless now as I could just look it up. You may have noticed that some lists aren’t very personal (such as “Sherlock Holmes stories”), but the reason why I have such lists is to check them off as I watch/read the items on the list.
I’ve added a brief explanation for lists with non-obvious titles. Anytime I use the word “we” it should be understood to mean “Jennifer and I”.
1. List of meals the company has paid for
2. List of free things I’ve gotten from the company
3. Wage history
4. Books I have read (this is probably the oldest list here)
5. Number of books I’ve read per year
6. Subjects of the books I’ve read
7. An alphabetical list of the books I’ve read
8. Mistakes I’ve found in books I’ve read (this list is 27 pages long)
9. List of Edgar Allen Poe works
10. List of Sherlock Holmes stories
11. List of books authored by Theodore Geisel
12. Short stories I own
13. The ultimate calendar (a listing of every event in my life for which the exact date is known)
14. Timeline of my life (a list showing when and for how long I lived in certain places, held certain jobs, attended certain schools and how they overlapped)
15. Residences I have lived in
16. Cities I have live in
17. People I have lived with (there are 12 people on this list…)
18. Vacations I have been on
19. US states I have been to
20. Countries I have been to
21. Times I have been on an airplane
22. What we did for our anniversaries
23. Days since we married that we haven’t seen each other
24. Jobs I’ve had
25. Schools I’ve attended
26. Concerts I’ve attended
27. Professional baseball games I’ve attended
28. Plays I’ve attended
29. What we did on our cruise each day
30. Cars we have owned
31. Lego pieces I own
32. Board/card games we own
33. My 50 All-time favorite motion pictures
34. My 20 favorite TV shows
35. My 10 favorite albums
36. My 50 favorite songs
37. My 10 favorite non-fiction books
38. My 10 favorite fiction books
39. Motion pictures I have seen (there are 1,189 movies listed)
40. Number of motion pictures seen from each year
41. Motion pictures I have seen at the theater
42. Read the book…and seen the movie (I pick which I prefer)
43. Billboard #1 albums (1956-present)
44. Billboard #1 songs (1940-present)
45. Things that annoy me
46. Our ten year anniversary trivia quiz
47. Bart Simpson’s chalkboard writings
48. Best songs by people I know
49. Customer service (list of grievances filed with companies and what sort of recompense we received)
50. Deep Thoughts (from the SNL spot)
51. Rolling Stone magazine’s 500 greatest rock songs of all time
52. Non-work money (list of money I have made outside of work, such as at garage sales)
53. Favorite quotes from 1984
54. Favorite quotes
55. Quotes from famous losers
56. Addams Family episodes
57. Battlestar Galactica episodes
58. Little House on the Prairie episodes
59. Northern Exposure episodes
60. Quantum Leap episodes
61. View Master reels I own
62. Mistakes we found watching “Voyager”
63. Wal-mart facts (notes I took while reading “How Wal-mart is Destroying America”)
64. Website traffic (I track the number of new visitors to my website each week)
65. Words to learn
66. Bible verses mentioning dogs
67. Partakers at JW memorial, 1980 – present
68. US religious census statistics
69. Money spent by the Watchtower Society each year on Circuit Overseers, 1980-present
70. JWs publisher increases/decreases, 1930-present
71. JWs versus world population, 1950-present
72. Survey results (I sent out a survey asking ex-JWs if they thought they were going to die at Armageddon)
73. Chemicals in the atmosphere
74. Nations of the world
75. National parks
76. Places I want to visit in Minnesota
77. Vacations I want to go on
78. Word of the year (I pick a new word every year that I had never known about before)
79. Self-created filmlets
80. Other videography projects (weddings, baptisms, etc, that we have filmed)
81. Filmlet commentary
82. Every email address
83. Goals for 2008
84. Passwords
85. Palindromes
86. Autonyms
88. Homophones
89. My book – chapters, pages and words
90. Wonderfalls episodes
91. Arrested Development episodes
92. Freaks and Geeks episode
93. Awful Truth episodes
94. Star Trek: TNG episodes
95. Star Trek: TOS episodes
96. Star Trek: Voyager episodes
97. Firefly episodes
98. Best Picture Oscar winners
99. Best selling motion picture from each year
100. This list
There.
I actually have less lists now than when I was a kid, thanks in part to the internet. For example, I used to have a list of where the Olympics were held each olympiad, but that seems pointless now as I could just look it up. You may have noticed that some lists aren’t very personal (such as “Sherlock Holmes stories”), but the reason why I have such lists is to check them off as I watch/read the items on the list.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Light Reading
Owen and I read books together nearly every night before bed. After a long period in which he would only allow me to read a handful of non-fiction books (with the exception of Where’s Spot?), he’s finally allowing me to branch out into his entire reading library.
Here are some things I’ve noticed, and some other things I’m wondering…
One book Owen owns is a thick book of nursery rhymes. I don’t often bring this one out for fear he’ll insist I read every rhyme in the book (and the book does put forth an ambitious effort to include every nursery rhyme ever conceived), but reading these bizarre, often scary poems as an adult now has me asking:
What’s with the three men in a tub? I mean, let’s set aside the strange amalgam of blue-collar professionals sharing such tight quarters, what I find weird is that, in any illustrative depiction of the poem, the men are invariably in a barrel floating in a body of water. What gives? Should the poem be three men in a boat? Did “tub” used to mean “a thing you float in”?
And while we’re on the subject of nursery rhymes, why is Humpty always portrayed as an egg? Nothing in the poem seems to indicate this. What’s more, Humpty is shown to be a MALE egg. Again, nothing in the poem itself tells us what gender Humpty is, and I think you’d be pretty hard pressed to find something in the refrigerator that screams FEMALE! more than an egg.
Speaking of gender, one of our favorite books to read together is Wacky Wednesday. For the life of me, I can’t figure out the gender of the main character, despite the fact that he/she is shown on every single page – including one page in which he/she is naked but for a pair of socks. We never learn the protagonist’s name, and no one talks to him/her in any way that requires a telling pronoun. The boy/girl dons a pink shirt with jeans and sports hair going down just over his/her ears. Very cryptic.
Another Dr. Seuss book we read is Green Eggs and Ham. Here’s the funniest thing about that book: the pages are numbered. Yes, that’s right, despite the fact that there’s no table of contents or index, and despite the fact that the book can be read cover to cover in under five minutes, someone, somewhere along the way, felt it necessary to include page numbers. I guess, that way, when Owen comes to me with a confused look on his face asking: “Hey, where in this book does Sam-I-Am ask if his friend would be willing to eat green eggs and ham in a box or with a fox?” I can say, with precision, “Oh, that’s on page 22.”
You may not have heard of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, but in that book, a boy concedes to giving a mouse the above-mentioned dessert, only to have it escalate. The fun part is turning each page to see how it’s escalating. For instance, after eating the cookie, the mouse says he’s thirsty, so…(turn the page)…now he wants a glass of milk. Anyway, at one point, the mouse has drawn a picture and decides he wants to hang it on the fridge, so he needs…(drum roll)…Scotch Tape. You read that correctly: Scotch Tape. The first time I turn to this page, I felt cheated. Who hangs stuff on their fridge with Scotch Tape? Isn’t that why magnets were invented? It didn’t say he wanted a glass of Dean Milk, or a Nestle Toll House cookie. I searched the small print inside the front cover expecting to find something like “This book made possible by a grant from 3M”. No such luck. I hate when an otherwise good book does something stupid like pointless product placement.
In the book Where the Wild Things Are, we are told that Max is anointed “King of All Wild Things”. But I think a better title would be “King of All Run-on Sentences”. Here’s a doozy:
That very night in Max's room a forest grew and grew and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world around and an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max and he sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are.
…Yep, that’s right: 62 words spread out over 5 pages, and that’s not even the longest sentence in the book. I am certain this book has more pages than sentences. I keep looking at the cover, expecting it to say “written by Thomas Jefferson”.
In the matter of funky sentence structure, I was going to mention Corduroy, with it’s predilection for passive statements (e.g. try to sound natural when reading things like “Over it fell with a crash.”), but, instead, allow me to point out one of the book’s reviews, which is reprinted on the inside front cover. The first sentence begins:
A winning, completely childlike picture book in which a stuffed bear waiting hopefully in a toy department finds a home with a little black girl...
…Yes, you read that correctly: Corduroy goes home to live with a black girl. Unlike, say, the Sneetches, ethnicity has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so I’m not sure why the reviewer was compelled to tell us Corduroy’s ultimate friend is black, nor why the publisher deemed this the best review to print in this edition.
My white son and I look forward to reading more books tonight.
Here are some things I’ve noticed, and some other things I’m wondering…
One book Owen owns is a thick book of nursery rhymes. I don’t often bring this one out for fear he’ll insist I read every rhyme in the book (and the book does put forth an ambitious effort to include every nursery rhyme ever conceived), but reading these bizarre, often scary poems as an adult now has me asking:
What’s with the three men in a tub? I mean, let’s set aside the strange amalgam of blue-collar professionals sharing such tight quarters, what I find weird is that, in any illustrative depiction of the poem, the men are invariably in a barrel floating in a body of water. What gives? Should the poem be three men in a boat? Did “tub” used to mean “a thing you float in”?
And while we’re on the subject of nursery rhymes, why is Humpty always portrayed as an egg? Nothing in the poem seems to indicate this. What’s more, Humpty is shown to be a MALE egg. Again, nothing in the poem itself tells us what gender Humpty is, and I think you’d be pretty hard pressed to find something in the refrigerator that screams FEMALE! more than an egg.
Speaking of gender, one of our favorite books to read together is Wacky Wednesday. For the life of me, I can’t figure out the gender of the main character, despite the fact that he/she is shown on every single page – including one page in which he/she is naked but for a pair of socks. We never learn the protagonist’s name, and no one talks to him/her in any way that requires a telling pronoun. The boy/girl dons a pink shirt with jeans and sports hair going down just over his/her ears. Very cryptic.
Another Dr. Seuss book we read is Green Eggs and Ham. Here’s the funniest thing about that book: the pages are numbered. Yes, that’s right, despite the fact that there’s no table of contents or index, and despite the fact that the book can be read cover to cover in under five minutes, someone, somewhere along the way, felt it necessary to include page numbers. I guess, that way, when Owen comes to me with a confused look on his face asking: “Hey, where in this book does Sam-I-Am ask if his friend would be willing to eat green eggs and ham in a box or with a fox?” I can say, with precision, “Oh, that’s on page 22.”
You may not have heard of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, but in that book, a boy concedes to giving a mouse the above-mentioned dessert, only to have it escalate. The fun part is turning each page to see how it’s escalating. For instance, after eating the cookie, the mouse says he’s thirsty, so…(turn the page)…now he wants a glass of milk. Anyway, at one point, the mouse has drawn a picture and decides he wants to hang it on the fridge, so he needs…(drum roll)…Scotch Tape. You read that correctly: Scotch Tape. The first time I turn to this page, I felt cheated. Who hangs stuff on their fridge with Scotch Tape? Isn’t that why magnets were invented? It didn’t say he wanted a glass of Dean Milk, or a Nestle Toll House cookie. I searched the small print inside the front cover expecting to find something like “This book made possible by a grant from 3M”. No such luck. I hate when an otherwise good book does something stupid like pointless product placement.
In the book Where the Wild Things Are, we are told that Max is anointed “King of All Wild Things”. But I think a better title would be “King of All Run-on Sentences”. Here’s a doozy:
That very night in Max's room a forest grew and grew and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world around and an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max and he sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are.
…Yep, that’s right: 62 words spread out over 5 pages, and that’s not even the longest sentence in the book. I am certain this book has more pages than sentences. I keep looking at the cover, expecting it to say “written by Thomas Jefferson”.
In the matter of funky sentence structure, I was going to mention Corduroy, with it’s predilection for passive statements (e.g. try to sound natural when reading things like “Over it fell with a crash.”), but, instead, allow me to point out one of the book’s reviews, which is reprinted on the inside front cover. The first sentence begins:
A winning, completely childlike picture book in which a stuffed bear waiting hopefully in a toy department finds a home with a little black girl...
…Yes, you read that correctly: Corduroy goes home to live with a black girl. Unlike, say, the Sneetches, ethnicity has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so I’m not sure why the reviewer was compelled to tell us Corduroy’s ultimate friend is black, nor why the publisher deemed this the best review to print in this edition.
My white son and I look forward to reading more books tonight.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tea Time
I happened upon a how-to website the other day (and I'd put the link here, but this blog-publishing site isn't very user friendly, even to a computer genius like me), and while looking up info on beer brewing, I noticed a link titled "How to Make Sun Tea".
"Hmm...sun tea," thought I, "That brings back happy memories of when my Grandma used to set a pitcher of water out on her back porch and I'd periodically check on it to see when it was ready." So, since I like my Grandma, tea, and using the word "periodically", I figured I couldn't go wrong in trying my hand at brewing some sun tea of my own.
Thanks to reading the book The Tea Companion, by Jane Pettigrew and our recent forays to The Tea Source and Teavanna, I've become somewhat of a tea snob. I know, I know, I was already a snob in the first place, but I think "snob" is a term requiring subcatergories: am I a car snob? No. Am I a beer snob? Computer snob? Film snob? Telescope snob? Yes, yes, yes and yes. In fact, my wife even points out (correctly) that I am a Map Snob (I'm thinking of starting a Yahoo Group for other map snobs).
My first task was to find a large container appropriate to the task. I wanted it to be made of glass (see? -snob), and to have a spigot on the bottom. We serendipitously found a very stylish number at a store in Highland Park (more snobbiness). The store was going out of business, so everything was 40% off the original price. So we purchased this very classy looking container; it's a far snazzier thing than the barrel-shaped/plastic-handle number I recall from my youth.
Anyway, with Owen's 'help', I filled it with water, added some tea bags and set it out on the deck table. We checked on it (periodically, of course). Here's what it looked like four hours later...
At any rate, the tea turned out find. Some alarmists warn that you shouldn't make sun tea because strands of rope-looking bacteria grow in the heat of the sun, and this can make you very sick. But I did more research and found out you can avoid this by A) periodically ensuring the container is clean, B) using filtered/bottled water only, C) not leaving the tea out in the sun for more than six hours and D) discarding any tea that does have "ropes" hanging from the surface of the water.
The container is rather large and unweildy, so don't ask me to bring some to your house (should I be invited). Instead, feel free to periodically come on over and try some straight from our snobby kitchen!
Cheers!
"Hmm...sun tea," thought I, "That brings back happy memories of when my Grandma used to set a pitcher of water out on her back porch and I'd periodically check on it to see when it was ready." So, since I like my Grandma, tea, and using the word "periodically", I figured I couldn't go wrong in trying my hand at brewing some sun tea of my own.
Thanks to reading the book The Tea Companion, by Jane Pettigrew and our recent forays to The Tea Source and Teavanna, I've become somewhat of a tea snob. I know, I know, I was already a snob in the first place, but I think "snob" is a term requiring subcatergories: am I a car snob? No. Am I a beer snob? Computer snob? Film snob? Telescope snob? Yes, yes, yes and yes. In fact, my wife even points out (correctly) that I am a Map Snob (I'm thinking of starting a Yahoo Group for other map snobs).
My first task was to find a large container appropriate to the task. I wanted it to be made of glass (see? -snob), and to have a spigot on the bottom. We serendipitously found a very stylish number at a store in Highland Park (more snobbiness). The store was going out of business, so everything was 40% off the original price. So we purchased this very classy looking container; it's a far snazzier thing than the barrel-shaped/plastic-handle number I recall from my youth.
Anyway, with Owen's 'help', I filled it with water, added some tea bags and set it out on the deck table. We checked on it (periodically, of course). Here's what it looked like four hours later...
At any rate, the tea turned out find. Some alarmists warn that you shouldn't make sun tea because strands of rope-looking bacteria grow in the heat of the sun, and this can make you very sick. But I did more research and found out you can avoid this by A) periodically ensuring the container is clean, B) using filtered/bottled water only, C) not leaving the tea out in the sun for more than six hours and D) discarding any tea that does have "ropes" hanging from the surface of the water.
The container is rather large and unweildy, so don't ask me to bring some to your house (should I be invited). Instead, feel free to periodically come on over and try some straight from our snobby kitchen!
Cheers!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Recent Pop Culture Experiences
-There are no shortage of fans when it comes to actors, authors, singers, painters, directors, dancers and athletes. But have you ever heard of anyone becoming a fan of…a narrator? Well, now you have, because I am hereby declaring myself as a fan of Jim Dale.
Let me bring you up to speed on Mr. Dale. As I’ve mentioned here before, I recently listened to the entire Harry Potter series on audio cassette while driving to and from work. About mid-way through the first book, I thought to myself: “Yeah, the story is decent, but you know what’s really awesome? The guy doing the reading”. I mean, he was spectacular. He had a different voice for every character of varying ages and nationalities – even managing to sound like pre-teen girls without resorting to a falsetto. Hargrid (the giant) sounded large and gruff and Snape sounded cold and foreboding. I don’t know how he managed to keep it all straight, but I would often know who was speaking just by the voice. For example, when he read: “’I don’t like this,’ said Ron”, I knew it was Ron even before he got to the ‘said Ron’ part.
I looked on the back of the box and discovered that Dale subsequently won an Emmy award for his reading (well deserved, sir!). He also narrates the TV show Pushing Daisies, which I had noted to my wife more than once that “this show has a great narrator”.
Anyway, after finishing up the Harry Potter books, I went to the library and looked for another audio book narrated by Dale. I found one: Around the World in 80 Days. At the end of that book, Dale says: “We hope you enjoyed this unabridged recording of ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, by Jules Verne”, and for a split second, I thought “Hey, wait, this book was by Jim Dale, not Jules Verne”. But then I thought: “Silly James, Dale was merely the narrator, not the author”.
-While browsing the virtual shelves at Amazon.com the other day, I fortuitously stumbled upon Paddle to the Sea, a short film from the 1960s that I had last seen in Kindergarten. In fact, I totally forgot the film even existed until I saw the ad for it. I immediately went over to Netflix to add it to my queue, but to my consternation, they did not have it (marking the first time Netflix ever failed to have a DVD I was searching for). Alas, the local library did have it. We watched it that very night as a family, and Owen was completely enthralled by it, asking to watch it again on each subsequent night that week. He calls it “Paddle the Boat”, an endearing moniker that’s no less of a misnomer than the title (as there is not a single stroke of paddling in the entire film).
At any rate, after rewatching this film for the first time in nearly three decades, I have added it to its rightful place in my pantheon of Best Short Films Ever. Go rent it, you’ll like it, and so will that special toddler in your life.
-The wife and I recently viewed the documentary The Fog of War. It won the Oscar for Best Documentary back on 2003, and it’s directed by Errol Morris, which equated to a sure bet (in my opinion). The film is, essentially, an interview with Robert McNamara, who, in case you don’t remember, was Secretary of Defense under both Kennedy and Johnson. McNamara, who doesn’t succeed in proving his case despite being given an hour an a half to do so, comes across as a man who has lived long enough to see how historians have painted him (he’s 92 years old).
He does a good job of splitting the blame between his underlings and subordinates. Like a manager, when it’s convenient, he blames the President and, when it’s convenient, he blames his employees. McNamara seemed to have no trouble recalling the absurd atrocities Johnson (in his all-too-relevant Cowboy politics) committed during his tenure as Commander-in-Chief, yet can’t seem to remember details about his own life, like if he authorized Agent Orange or not.
McNamara implied that Kennedy’s assassination was a tragedy for another reason: had Kennedy lived, the American involvement in Vietnam would have ended far sooner than it did under the two buffoons who succeeded him. It’s an interesting thought, but ultimately pointless – maybe Kennedy would have ended Vietnam…maybe Buddy Holly would have become more famous than Elvis…maybe Jesus would’ve become CEO of a bread company. Who knows?
The documentary is filled with reflective comments from McNamara, wondering why it took so long to learn the lessons we learned in Vietnam, wondering if the acts of aggression we committed are crimes against humanity, wondering if the evil we performed in Vietnam was justified by the good that came of it. I kept wondering: what’s with this WE crap, Bob? When millions of Americans were protesting on the streets – including a man who lit himself on fire right outside your office, how dare you ask why it took us so long to learn. It didn’t take us a long time to learn Vietnam was immoral…it only took you a long time.
Near the end of the film, Morris asks McNamara if he feels guilty, and McNamara (who, earlier, said he always held a policy of answering, not the question that was asked to you, but the question you wish was asked of you) simply says he’s dammed no matter how he responds. So he says nothing. Nice try, Bob, but your attempt to win sympathizers is too little, too late.
Harry Potter: B
Jim Dale’s narration: A
Paddle to the Sea: A
The Fog of War: B
Robert McNamara's career: F
Let me bring you up to speed on Mr. Dale. As I’ve mentioned here before, I recently listened to the entire Harry Potter series on audio cassette while driving to and from work. About mid-way through the first book, I thought to myself: “Yeah, the story is decent, but you know what’s really awesome? The guy doing the reading”. I mean, he was spectacular. He had a different voice for every character of varying ages and nationalities – even managing to sound like pre-teen girls without resorting to a falsetto. Hargrid (the giant) sounded large and gruff and Snape sounded cold and foreboding. I don’t know how he managed to keep it all straight, but I would often know who was speaking just by the voice. For example, when he read: “’I don’t like this,’ said Ron”, I knew it was Ron even before he got to the ‘said Ron’ part.
I looked on the back of the box and discovered that Dale subsequently won an Emmy award for his reading (well deserved, sir!). He also narrates the TV show Pushing Daisies, which I had noted to my wife more than once that “this show has a great narrator”.
Anyway, after finishing up the Harry Potter books, I went to the library and looked for another audio book narrated by Dale. I found one: Around the World in 80 Days. At the end of that book, Dale says: “We hope you enjoyed this unabridged recording of ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, by Jules Verne”, and for a split second, I thought “Hey, wait, this book was by Jim Dale, not Jules Verne”. But then I thought: “Silly James, Dale was merely the narrator, not the author”.
-While browsing the virtual shelves at Amazon.com the other day, I fortuitously stumbled upon Paddle to the Sea, a short film from the 1960s that I had last seen in Kindergarten. In fact, I totally forgot the film even existed until I saw the ad for it. I immediately went over to Netflix to add it to my queue, but to my consternation, they did not have it (marking the first time Netflix ever failed to have a DVD I was searching for). Alas, the local library did have it. We watched it that very night as a family, and Owen was completely enthralled by it, asking to watch it again on each subsequent night that week. He calls it “Paddle the Boat”, an endearing moniker that’s no less of a misnomer than the title (as there is not a single stroke of paddling in the entire film).
At any rate, after rewatching this film for the first time in nearly three decades, I have added it to its rightful place in my pantheon of Best Short Films Ever. Go rent it, you’ll like it, and so will that special toddler in your life.
-The wife and I recently viewed the documentary The Fog of War. It won the Oscar for Best Documentary back on 2003, and it’s directed by Errol Morris, which equated to a sure bet (in my opinion). The film is, essentially, an interview with Robert McNamara, who, in case you don’t remember, was Secretary of Defense under both Kennedy and Johnson. McNamara, who doesn’t succeed in proving his case despite being given an hour an a half to do so, comes across as a man who has lived long enough to see how historians have painted him (he’s 92 years old).
He does a good job of splitting the blame between his underlings and subordinates. Like a manager, when it’s convenient, he blames the President and, when it’s convenient, he blames his employees. McNamara seemed to have no trouble recalling the absurd atrocities Johnson (in his all-too-relevant Cowboy politics) committed during his tenure as Commander-in-Chief, yet can’t seem to remember details about his own life, like if he authorized Agent Orange or not.
McNamara implied that Kennedy’s assassination was a tragedy for another reason: had Kennedy lived, the American involvement in Vietnam would have ended far sooner than it did under the two buffoons who succeeded him. It’s an interesting thought, but ultimately pointless – maybe Kennedy would have ended Vietnam…maybe Buddy Holly would have become more famous than Elvis…maybe Jesus would’ve become CEO of a bread company. Who knows?
The documentary is filled with reflective comments from McNamara, wondering why it took so long to learn the lessons we learned in Vietnam, wondering if the acts of aggression we committed are crimes against humanity, wondering if the evil we performed in Vietnam was justified by the good that came of it. I kept wondering: what’s with this WE crap, Bob? When millions of Americans were protesting on the streets – including a man who lit himself on fire right outside your office, how dare you ask why it took us so long to learn. It didn’t take us a long time to learn Vietnam was immoral…it only took you a long time.
Near the end of the film, Morris asks McNamara if he feels guilty, and McNamara (who, earlier, said he always held a policy of answering, not the question that was asked to you, but the question you wish was asked of you) simply says he’s dammed no matter how he responds. So he says nothing. Nice try, Bob, but your attempt to win sympathizers is too little, too late.
Harry Potter: B
Jim Dale’s narration: A
Paddle to the Sea: A
The Fog of War: B
Robert McNamara's career: F
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Save $5,000 a Month!
Apparently, when there’s nothing note-worthy to report on (like the latest Hollywood fashion or a 2.0 earthquake), the news gravitates towards money-saving tips. These “tips”, more prevalent in today’s Bush-whacked economy, get my vote for most pointless news items in existence. I mean, at least a report on Hollywood fashion gives us some eye candy, and a report on an earthquake that shook a leaf off a tree might be a harbinger to something we’ll really need to know.
These money-saving tips must work for only two people: People who, up until this moment, have never bothered to attempt to save money, but are now looking to do so and people who are too stupid to think of any way to save money by themselves. I’m talking really stupid, as in: “It sure would be nice if we had more spending money,” said Jack as he rolled up the fifty dollar bill, stuck it between his lips and lit it on fire.
Take this article, for example: http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105450/Cut-Your-Spending-by-%24500-Per-Month
Here’s one tip they give: Lower your car insurance payments. Okay, who doesn’t know to do that? That’s like saying, “if you want more food in your refrigerator, take less food out of it”. And, anyway, there are good reasons to not go with the cheapest car insurance company. Other so-obvious-they’re-painful tips include: pay off your credit card, don’t go over on your cell phone’s minutes, stop paying bank fees and put more in your 401K (oh yeah, that’s sure to help with the day-to-day making ends meet problem).
Another gem is here: http://green.yahoo.com/blog/greenpicks/191/saving-gas-isn-t-just-for-tree-huggers-anymore.html
To save gas, this article recommends not driving your car to work. It also mentions not idling your car and not going through the drive-through.
I’d like to, just once, see a “money-saving tips” article in which the tips are not 1) simply restating the title of the article; 2) so obvious that everyone already does them anyways (or at least knows they should) or 3) things that you can’t just do even if you want to (such as moving to a cheaper city).
Following the astute insight such writers have in saving us consumers money, therefore, I humbly submit my list of money-saving tips:
1. Don’t spend your money.
If there’s something you want to buy, like food or clothing, don’t. It’s as simple as that. Multi-millionaires don’t want you to know this secret, but now you do.
2. Try to find an item of equal quality but of lower cost.
Why spend $5,000 on a used car when you can spend $500 on a used car? Why spend $10 on lunch when you can spend $1?
3. Accumulate more money.
Stop volunteering! Demand your employer give you monetary reimbursement for the services you provide for the company. Also, if you have something of value, trade it for cash. Or at least for a receipt you can then use when you itemize your deductions.
4. Stop consuming gas and electricity.
Why drive 20 miles to work when you can walk? Why turn on the lights at night when you can sit in the dark? Unplug your refrigerator and your alarm clock. Use your computer as a paper weight.
5. Only do free things.
Don’t invite people to your house, where they’ll consume your electricity, water, toilet paper and put wear and tear on your furniture and silverware. If a friend invites you to go somewhere, decline. If you get invited to someone’s home, don’t offer to bring anything. Ask them to pick you up.
These money-saving tips must work for only two people: People who, up until this moment, have never bothered to attempt to save money, but are now looking to do so and people who are too stupid to think of any way to save money by themselves. I’m talking really stupid, as in: “It sure would be nice if we had more spending money,” said Jack as he rolled up the fifty dollar bill, stuck it between his lips and lit it on fire.
Take this article, for example: http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105450/Cut-Your-Spending-by-%24500-Per-Month
Here’s one tip they give: Lower your car insurance payments. Okay, who doesn’t know to do that? That’s like saying, “if you want more food in your refrigerator, take less food out of it”. And, anyway, there are good reasons to not go with the cheapest car insurance company. Other so-obvious-they’re-painful tips include: pay off your credit card, don’t go over on your cell phone’s minutes, stop paying bank fees and put more in your 401K (oh yeah, that’s sure to help with the day-to-day making ends meet problem).
Another gem is here: http://green.yahoo.com/blog/greenpicks/191/saving-gas-isn-t-just-for-tree-huggers-anymore.html
To save gas, this article recommends not driving your car to work. It also mentions not idling your car and not going through the drive-through.
I’d like to, just once, see a “money-saving tips” article in which the tips are not 1) simply restating the title of the article; 2) so obvious that everyone already does them anyways (or at least knows they should) or 3) things that you can’t just do even if you want to (such as moving to a cheaper city).
Following the astute insight such writers have in saving us consumers money, therefore, I humbly submit my list of money-saving tips:
1. Don’t spend your money.
If there’s something you want to buy, like food or clothing, don’t. It’s as simple as that. Multi-millionaires don’t want you to know this secret, but now you do.
2. Try to find an item of equal quality but of lower cost.
Why spend $5,000 on a used car when you can spend $500 on a used car? Why spend $10 on lunch when you can spend $1?
3. Accumulate more money.
Stop volunteering! Demand your employer give you monetary reimbursement for the services you provide for the company. Also, if you have something of value, trade it for cash. Or at least for a receipt you can then use when you itemize your deductions.
4. Stop consuming gas and electricity.
Why drive 20 miles to work when you can walk? Why turn on the lights at night when you can sit in the dark? Unplug your refrigerator and your alarm clock. Use your computer as a paper weight.
5. Only do free things.
Don’t invite people to your house, where they’ll consume your electricity, water, toilet paper and put wear and tear on your furniture and silverware. If a friend invites you to go somewhere, decline. If you get invited to someone’s home, don’t offer to bring anything. Ask them to pick you up.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
One more feather in my Sight-seeing cap
So, after more than 33 years, I finally saw one of those famous (at least by local standards) Paul Bunyan/Babe the Blue Ox statues. Specifically, my wife, son and I stopped by the one in Bemidji near the shores of the lake with the same name. We didn’t trek up north with the purpose of seeing Paul. In fact, I didn’t even think we’d be going into Bemidji. But we went camping about a half hour away and, since the weather was its usual self (crappy), we spent the day exploring this outpost of civilization.
And if that’s not enough local culture, get this: the very next day, as we drove home, we stopped for lunch in the town of Hackensack:
Turns out, this is the city where Paul’s girlfriend beckons from. So, we also got a chance to see the slightly less-tall and slightly less-popular Lucette statue.
(Okay, so Lucette isn't exactly what I'd term a "pretty face", but I think if I was a twenty foot tall guy, she'd have a certain appeal that most other ladies would lack. Go Paul!)All this local culture got me thinking: why is it that locals never explore their own area? Oh, I’m sure some do, but isn’t it funny how people will make huge travel plans to go across the globe and see the Eiffel Tower, yet never bother walk across town to the local museum? It’s like the shoemaker’s kids who went barefoot. I remember being in New York City once, and I asked my friend (who had lived there for over a year) if he’d ever gone to visit the UN. He said he hadn’t, and I was stunned.
But maybe I shouldn’t have been. After all, what have I seen of my own state?
Here, then, is a list of notable landmarks and tourist attractions (I hate that term, but, oh well) that I’ve visited here in the Great State of Sky Blue Waters:
*Duluth Lift Bridge
*The Metrodome (Twins games and a U2 concert!)
*The Bemidji Paul Bunyan
*The State Fair
*The Minnesota Zoo
*The Mall of America (God, I even worked there)
*Minnehaha Falls
*Split Rock Lighthouse
*Lake Superior
*The Mayo Clinic
*Gooseberry Falls
(And, I’m not sure if these are as significant, but here are some other sights I’ve seen in our state: The Duluth Zoo, The Skyway System, The U of M, Summit/Grand neighborhood, Lake Mille Lacs, The St. Croix River, The Minnesota River, The Oliver Kelley Farm, Murphy’s Landing, The Glensheen Mansion, Valley Fair, The Lock and Dam system on the Mississippi, the Science Museum, Landmark Center, Rice Park and that shitty Great Lakes Museum in Duluth.)
But here’s what I’ve missed:
*Voyageur’s National Park
*Angle Islet
*The Minneapolis Sculpture Gardens (Yes, I’ve seen that spoon/cherry thing from the road, but I’ve never been there)
*The IDS Tower (again, I’ve seen it, but I’ve never gone inside)
*The Mississippi River headwaters
*Fort Snelling (God, I can’t believe it – it’s right stinkin’ there, and I’ve never visited)
*The Foshay Tower
*The Spam Museum (Okay, I’m not sure this qualifies as ‘notable’, but I am curious)
*The State Capitol
*The James J. Hill House
*The Como Conservatory (Even my son has one up on me here – and he’s only 1/10th my age)
*The Brainerd Paul Bunyan
Have I missed anything of significance? I gotta start seeing more sites…
(Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit macabre for a family-friendly park? Kind of reminds me of Abraham and Isaac.)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Happy Birthday To Me
Today marks #33. I've outlived Anne Frank, Lady Jane Grey, Billy the Kid, Patsy Cline, Buddy Holly, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Bruce Lee and Alexander the Great. Jesus, in two months, I'll have even outlived John Belushi. Speaking of Jesus, I'm set to overtake his age by year's end, too.
So, I will combine my love of birthdays with my love of list-making. Here's a list of every birthday I can remember, and how I celebrated it...
5 years old - Last day of preschool. It was career day. I dressed up as a doctor.
11 years old - My Golden Birthday! This was the last day of 5th grade, in which I won an award for perfect attendance (probably the least-proud of any award I've ever gotten). It was raining all day, and after trudging home from the bus stop, I asked my mom if I could go play with one of the neighborhood kids, just to have something fun to do. She said no. Bookstudy that night.
18 years old - My high school graduation ceremony was held on this day, so I definitely did not go there. Instead, I attended my friend Jeremy's graduation ceremony along with our mutual friend Andy. Afterwards, we went back over to his parents' place for a barbecue. That evening, I did what every 18yr old male in this sexist country must do, I registered.
21 years old - Had dinner with my fiance' and with my friend Nick at the Applebee's at Snelling and University (which is no longer there). Ordered my first drink...in America. Since, only six months prior, I had been in Germany and ordered enough alcohol to last a decade, this wasn't such a big deal.
24 years old - Took a plane ride to Dallas compliments of the American Board of Optometry.
30 years old - Dropped my 4-week old son off with his Grammie. Then, Jennifer, Stan, Kara, Nick (not the same Nick as above) and I went to the theater to see "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith".
32 - Blew out canldes on a cake & made a wish for the first time.
For the past several years, I keep having this idea that I'm going to blow out enough candles to make up for a lifetime of not blowing out candles. This gets increasingly ridiculous with each passing year. I'll have to plan that one out real well. Maybe next year.
So, I will combine my love of birthdays with my love of list-making. Here's a list of every birthday I can remember, and how I celebrated it...
5 years old - Last day of preschool. It was career day. I dressed up as a doctor.
11 years old - My Golden Birthday! This was the last day of 5th grade, in which I won an award for perfect attendance (probably the least-proud of any award I've ever gotten). It was raining all day, and after trudging home from the bus stop, I asked my mom if I could go play with one of the neighborhood kids, just to have something fun to do. She said no. Bookstudy that night.
18 years old - My high school graduation ceremony was held on this day, so I definitely did not go there. Instead, I attended my friend Jeremy's graduation ceremony along with our mutual friend Andy. Afterwards, we went back over to his parents' place for a barbecue. That evening, I did what every 18yr old male in this sexist country must do, I registered.
21 years old - Had dinner with my fiance' and with my friend Nick at the Applebee's at Snelling and University (which is no longer there). Ordered my first drink...in America. Since, only six months prior, I had been in Germany and ordered enough alcohol to last a decade, this wasn't such a big deal.
24 years old - Took a plane ride to Dallas compliments of the American Board of Optometry.
30 years old - Dropped my 4-week old son off with his Grammie. Then, Jennifer, Stan, Kara, Nick (not the same Nick as above) and I went to the theater to see "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith".
32 - Blew out canldes on a cake & made a wish for the first time.
For the past several years, I keep having this idea that I'm going to blow out enough candles to make up for a lifetime of not blowing out candles. This gets increasingly ridiculous with each passing year. I'll have to plan that one out real well. Maybe next year.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Media Whore
Sometimes, I find myself in a place or predicament, and I wonder what choices I have made in life that led up this point. It's kind of a fun little game I play in my mind to keep me interested in life. Like the time I found myself walking out of a job I'd have for 7 years. Or the time I was sitting in my office tape recording a phone conversation. Or the time I was leading a state trooper on a high speed chase. Okay, so that last one hasn't happened. Yet.
The most recent time I had such a thought, was last night. For the first time since the morning of December 17, 2006, I was wearing a necktie. I was sitting on a chair, in front of 3 cameras, interviewing a doctor of theology. How do I get into these sort of things? Beats me.
The show was "Atheist Talk", and it airs once a month on various obscure cable channels. The podcast will be made available here: . We filmed two episodes, one in which I interviewed Dr. Steves as he discussed a "Thought Driven Life" and another as he addressed the topic of studying the bible as literature in the public school system. And where was the shows normal host? Well, that would be Dr. Steves, and since he couldn't very well interview himself, I was recruited for the job. I think I came across very wooden, rigid and nonconversational - a lot like I am in real life. All in all, though, a pretty good time and a fun experience (even if I did have to don a phallic symbol around my neck).
Oh, here's proof:
I'm the guy on the right, feigning interest.
The sweat on my brow is not, as you might assume, from the lights. No, it's from the heat of hell's flames, which reach pretty high on this set.
This is smarmyness.
Why hasn't anyone told me what a bufoon I look like with my legs crossed like that?
The most recent time I had such a thought, was last night. For the first time since the morning of December 17, 2006, I was wearing a necktie. I was sitting on a chair, in front of 3 cameras, interviewing a doctor of theology. How do I get into these sort of things? Beats me.
The show was "Atheist Talk", and it airs once a month on various obscure cable channels. The podcast will be made available here: . We filmed two episodes, one in which I interviewed Dr. Steves as he discussed a "Thought Driven Life" and another as he addressed the topic of studying the bible as literature in the public school system. And where was the shows normal host? Well, that would be Dr. Steves, and since he couldn't very well interview himself, I was recruited for the job. I think I came across very wooden, rigid and nonconversational - a lot like I am in real life. All in all, though, a pretty good time and a fun experience (even if I did have to don a phallic symbol around my neck).
Oh, here's proof:
I'm the guy on the right, feigning interest.
The sweat on my brow is not, as you might assume, from the lights. No, it's from the heat of hell's flames, which reach pretty high on this set.
This is smarmyness.
Why hasn't anyone told me what a bufoon I look like with my legs crossed like that?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Random Stuff
1. So, I was with a friend the other day, and we got into his car to drive to a local burger place. On the way, I said: "Oh, you need to make a right up at the next light, so get in the other lane". He complied, but then - oh no! - that lane ended. "Oops," I said, "I guess you have to get back over. He sped up slightly and swerved back into the left lane...only to be pulled over by a policeman.
The cop asked if my friend knew why he had been pulled over. My friend admitted to changing lanes rather abruptly, but then I piped up and explained it was my fault for giving him such poor directions. The cop said told my friend that he had been speeding (by going about 38mph in a 35!) and that he must have been inattentive because he didn't stop as soon as the cop flashed on his lights.
This last bit was really rather stupid. Who does pull over as soon as cops turn on their lights? Certainly not me, because I don't drive down the highway staring into my rearview mirror. In fact, I couldn't care less what's behind me.
At any rate, the cop took his license & proof of insurance and walked back to his car. When he returned, he said: "Well, what would you do if you were me?" This has got to be one of the toughest questions a person can answer. Do you say: "Well, I'd let me go because I really didn't do anything wrong and you just seem out for blood", or do you say, "why don't you arrest me now before I escalate into a life of serial killings and downloading music.
What would you say if that was you?
2. So I took advantage of my company's on-site oil change service a few weeks back. The way it works is, you stick your key and a check in these little mailboxes, and when you leave at the end of the day, you retrieve your key which is now accompanied by a receipt.
As I walked to my car, I unfurled my receipt and noticed this statement: "Clipboard on floor found between radiator and frame". Yes, it means exactly what it said. When I got in my car, there was indeed a clipboard sitting on my floor. It was mangled and warped from temperature extremes & it had a coating of engine dust on it. It was from an automotive shop I used to frequent when I lived up north. Turns out, back in November, when I went in there to have my brakes worked on, someone must have shoved the clipboard in between the engine and the frame, and then forgot about it. So it languished there for six months.
3. My wife, son and I were eating dinner at a sandwich shop when a very haggard looking individual came up and handed me a very haggard looking sheet of paper. The paper said he was in a band and that he was trying to save up money to take a bus ride to New Orleans where his big band would be competing with other jazz bands in a tournament. Oh, and did I mention the guy was deaf? Anyway, I showed my wife the note and asked if she thought we should give him anything. My first reaction is that such people are scam artists, but I also saw my son was enamored with the man's signing, and I didn't want my son to think (know) that I am a cheap bastard. My wife said: "If you want", so I pulled out my wallet and found a one dollar bill, a five dollar bill and about six twenty dollar bills. The deaf guy saw the contents of my wallet, and knew he probably thought I had way too much money for my own good. So I gave the guy my five dollar bill. The whole evening I felt like he took advantage of me.
Later that night, we walked around a lake, and I gave a street musician my one dollar bill just for soothing us with his accordian.
Anyways, I know some people believe in that Oprah-sanctioned pay-it-forward stuff, so if you think such altruism is inevitably reciprocated by the world, I've got a good one for you: the next day, I arrived at work and one of my co-workers approached me. She handed me a five dollar gift card to Caribou Coffee. See, I had attended a work-related seminar the day before, where they held drawings for door prizes at the end of the day. I, however, did not stay for the drawings, but seem to have still won something.
See? In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make!
Sorry for any incoherence / spelling snafus here. I just downed a 16-oz bottle of beer and am quite buzzed.
The cop asked if my friend knew why he had been pulled over. My friend admitted to changing lanes rather abruptly, but then I piped up and explained it was my fault for giving him such poor directions. The cop said told my friend that he had been speeding (by going about 38mph in a 35!) and that he must have been inattentive because he didn't stop as soon as the cop flashed on his lights.
This last bit was really rather stupid. Who does pull over as soon as cops turn on their lights? Certainly not me, because I don't drive down the highway staring into my rearview mirror. In fact, I couldn't care less what's behind me.
At any rate, the cop took his license & proof of insurance and walked back to his car. When he returned, he said: "Well, what would you do if you were me?" This has got to be one of the toughest questions a person can answer. Do you say: "Well, I'd let me go because I really didn't do anything wrong and you just seem out for blood", or do you say, "why don't you arrest me now before I escalate into a life of serial killings and downloading music.
What would you say if that was you?
2. So I took advantage of my company's on-site oil change service a few weeks back. The way it works is, you stick your key and a check in these little mailboxes, and when you leave at the end of the day, you retrieve your key which is now accompanied by a receipt.
As I walked to my car, I unfurled my receipt and noticed this statement: "Clipboard on floor found between radiator and frame". Yes, it means exactly what it said. When I got in my car, there was indeed a clipboard sitting on my floor. It was mangled and warped from temperature extremes & it had a coating of engine dust on it. It was from an automotive shop I used to frequent when I lived up north. Turns out, back in November, when I went in there to have my brakes worked on, someone must have shoved the clipboard in between the engine and the frame, and then forgot about it. So it languished there for six months.
3. My wife, son and I were eating dinner at a sandwich shop when a very haggard looking individual came up and handed me a very haggard looking sheet of paper. The paper said he was in a band and that he was trying to save up money to take a bus ride to New Orleans where his big band would be competing with other jazz bands in a tournament. Oh, and did I mention the guy was deaf? Anyway, I showed my wife the note and asked if she thought we should give him anything. My first reaction is that such people are scam artists, but I also saw my son was enamored with the man's signing, and I didn't want my son to think (know) that I am a cheap bastard. My wife said: "If you want", so I pulled out my wallet and found a one dollar bill, a five dollar bill and about six twenty dollar bills. The deaf guy saw the contents of my wallet, and knew he probably thought I had way too much money for my own good. So I gave the guy my five dollar bill. The whole evening I felt like he took advantage of me.
Later that night, we walked around a lake, and I gave a street musician my one dollar bill just for soothing us with his accordian.
Anyways, I know some people believe in that Oprah-sanctioned pay-it-forward stuff, so if you think such altruism is inevitably reciprocated by the world, I've got a good one for you: the next day, I arrived at work and one of my co-workers approached me. She handed me a five dollar gift card to Caribou Coffee. See, I had attended a work-related seminar the day before, where they held drawings for door prizes at the end of the day. I, however, did not stay for the drawings, but seem to have still won something.
See? In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make!
Sorry for any incoherence / spelling snafus here. I just downed a 16-oz bottle of beer and am quite buzzed.
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